Newbie Nuke Wife

[toddnl]

I'm 29y/o married to a Nuke for 1yr 2 mo. I didn't grow up military, this is ALL new to me. I'm learning military and nuke life...Last 2 years on shore duty, just attached to sub, getting ready for westpac.  I've met sub wives, but I haven't met any other Nuke wives. There's a big difference between shore duty/sea duty, longer work hours being one of them. I'd liked to know what else to expect. My husband has been in for 11years. He tells me things about work/deployment on a need to know basis. He has been very helpful in making sure all finances are taken care of, I have no worries about POA's or helping with uniforms/checklist....my husband took care of all of that. If I ask questions, he will answer. I don't know what to ask. I have no clue of what to expect. I don't expect phone calls b/c I didn't know we could get them. Email was a suprise for me...anyway, does anyone have any advice, comments for me. Thanks, b/c I'm feeling kinda lost....the sub wives were not helpful

[Samabby]

If you tried www.submarinewivesclub.org and didn't get love, support and good info, then you need a major attitude adjustment. Good luck. 

[Marlin]

Usually the COBs wife and/or the XOs wife head support groups for the other wives. These groups vary from boat to boat but if there is a strong one you will eventually get all the you want. I know that when I got in after one patrol I found out through the grapevine that they had made at least one trip to the local resevoir to skinny dip. There will probably be a call tree starting from one of the previously mentioned women to keep you informed and in contact.

Good luck and I hope someone with more current information answers you soon. (It is only 9 years to retirement)

[Marlin]

Usually the COBs wife and/or the XOs wife head support groups for the other wives. These groups vary from boat to boat but if there is a strong one you will eventually get all the you want. I know that when I got in after one patrol I found out through the grapevine that they had made at least one trip to the local resevoir to skinny dip. There will probably be a call tree starting from one of the previously mentioned women to keep you informed and in contact.

Good luck and I hope someone with more current information answers you soon. (It is only 9 years to retirement)

Speaking of more current help Samabby posted while I was typing Karma to ya..

[toddnl]

I haven't tried submarine wives club, thanks for the link

[ddklbl]

I am a nuke wife. Consider a divorce. It's easier.

Although, I wouldn't have been as pessimistic as this reply, there is some credence to it.  My wife hated the navy.  We lived well, didn't have a material want in the world, but to her, all of it was at an unacceptable price.  Nukes are the first on and the last off the boat.  No Sub or Skimmer CO is going to risk deploying late because the engineroom wasn't ready and on the back side, squadron never really cared either when they pulled the CO off for whatever post deployment debrief the Commodore and Admiral had with him.  So before the run and after the run the nukes were left steaming pierside on our lonesome. 

The wives were always on the pier waiting when we got home.  I would get off and meet mine, but always had to cut it short because I would give E-div a hand with shore power.  This upset her because she would notice one nuke in particular always leave early.  She asked me why I would go back onboard and I would point to the lady and three kids standing beside her.  Her husband couldn't leave until shore power was on.  As much as she wanted me to leave too, she at least understood that the woman standing beside her had the same grief and the piece of shit who left earlier hadn't helped anyone but himself. 

One time in particular, we just got back from a rather lengthy patrol.  I did the usual routine, went pierside to hug the wife and went back below to help E-div.  Well, about 30 minutes later someone noticed a "suspicious package" on the pier.  Aside from the duty section, go figure the only people who were left on board to handle the security violation/repel borders (BOHICA Baby!) were the nukes.  The wives were all escorted out and told to go home and we would call when we could come home. 

It never failed:  nukes always took it in the rear and the wives of nukes were left with unanswered questions or unvented frustrations.  Somehow, the coner excuse that we get propay never really seemed to make up for the headaches.

To the origional poster, and to the peanut gallery chiming in, all I can say is find a friend to commiserate with.  Be careful because Navy wives have, arguably, a reputation for being a little coquettish (this is me being polite, the tide box rumors still run rampant).  My wife refused to go to any wives club meetings because of the atmosphere there.  We became good friends with a handful of others who came from similar backgrounds and had similar value systems.  Five years later, we still keep in touch with that group of friends. 

I guess, what I am trying to say is that it is not going to be easy for you or your family.  Take solace in the fact that their are other wives who share in your misery.  They have the same feelings of angst and frustration that you do.  Find them, because they are probably as lost as you are.  Together you will be all right.  Good Luck.

[cincinnatinuke]

This may have been Sarcasm (tongue in cheek) on your part. 



I have a different observation for you to consider:

Way back in the day.  We SINGLE guys (Nuke M'Divers on my boat ... 4 of us) stayed 24/7 just so the married guys could have a little time off on weekly ops during the weekends.  That meant we got ZERO time OFF. 

Oh yeah.  I could turn a wrench.  I could stand watch.  I could help E'Div when I was free.  I could do QAI.  I could...I could...I could.  I never got much sleep.  I never got to see my family (10 hour drive to see my folks).  All for what you ask?

I did it because of my shipmates that were married.

So, I didn't have to see grown men reduced to ashes when we hit home port.  Because Dis-embarking a Naval Combat Vessel only to be greeted by paperwork for divorce is a terrrible thing.

I did it for my shipmates.

I did it indirectly for their families.  OUR families.

I was single I was young I was able.

No one should be handing out advice on Divorce that hasn't had to bust there collective rear ends off to help avoid it.  You should not even consider it unless you've tried all options available too you.

I know Sarcasm and I would never use it in (or around) this topic.  This is very serious business. 

We owe our sanity to helping maintain a cohesive bond with our shipmates (and that means their families).  Maybe you should take lesson from others who understand dedication.

Obviously you've never had to work at anything tough before.  Because if you had you would no doubt not offer such Cavalier Advice.

Obviously you have no business offering advice at all to a fellow Navy Nuke Wife.

Jason

If no one ever told you, this is one married ex-nuke who would like to say thanks.

[DSO]

What the past posts have said are very true (except getting  a divorce) You have to watch who you associate with as far as other wives because some may not have your morals and unfounded rumors about yourself are additional stress that you do not need. Believe me--everything gets back to the boat and your husband doesn't need that stress either. Church and family seemed to be the best support groups. My 1st Westpac with my wife she had a part-time job which helped get her mind off the situation and the 2nd Westpac (now with a baby) she went back to her family (parents) and stayed a good part of the Westpac. 

[Kev3399]

Any couple with a little bit of fortitude, trust, dedication and principle can do the Navy Nuke way of life. Its not easy, but it can make your bond stronger. It requires both of you to try though.

My wife was pregnant with our first child on my last deployment. At the time we were only engaged. She found out 3 weeks into it. This was the true testament to our relationship. She was left at home to confront her family and friends with the news. She did the first 7 months of her pregnancy be herself. Things weren't good. I came home, we got married, my son was born.......Huge change of lifestyle from when we said bye to each other 9 months earlier. On top of that I was in the yards working dark to dark. I'm sure 99% of the marriage counselors out there said we were destined for marrital failure.

We worked thru it. One day at a time. Prototype was suppose to be the fix. Well, rotating shiftwork isn't quite the fix for marriage either. We have our 5 year anniversary this January and all is well. We beat the odds and have the past to use as our strength for whatever challenges lay ahead.

In summary for the OP. You're not alone, but that doesn't diminish your pain or uncertainty. Many wives/families have struggled. Take one day at a time and make the effort to make it work. Don't dwell on "10 more years.....or 90 more days....". You'll go crazy. There is the age old debate of who has it worse? The wife or the husband? From a husband standpoint. Don't use that as leverage. That was the straw that almost broke the camel's back for me. Once my wife and I got past that and just agreed to disagree on who has it worse. Things got better.

And one more thing.....communication. You spend so much time apart that you're use to not communicating. This leads to more struggles than you might imagine. Little miscommunication things pile up. Before you know it you're arguing and slamming doors.  Set aside the time you have together and talk. It makes a world of difference. This was hard for my wife and I. The only thing going thru my mind after work or underways was maintenance, neutrons, broken equip, quals, standing orders, work packages, procedures, ORSE and of course field day. She didn't care or understand any of that. We were married and leading completely separate lives it seemed with little in common. Luckily our children helped bridge that gap. Find a way to bridge that gap. For some its easy, I found it to be a struggle.

Sorry for the ramble. Just trying to give honest advice. I never wish marrital problems upon anyone in the Navy. Its sad to watch it manifest itself. I've seen it destroy some of the finest people in uniform. If you ever have any questions in the future on anything, just ask.

[Already Gone]

It seems that your spouse has had the forethought and wisdom to take care of the details in advance.  Making sure that you can take care of the finances and all those things will take the load off your shoulders.  I'm sure that by now he is well into his deployment and you are dealing with it a little better than you thought you would.

Loneliness is probably your biggest problem right now, and the biggest danger too.  It can cause you to fall in with the wrong friends - male and female - who can drag you down.  The answer to this is to have a diversity of personal relationships.  A job, the other wives, a church or synagogue, your neighbors ... all can be sources of support, and all can be trouble if you don't have a balance.  If you have a lot of time on your hands, try taking a course, join the local volunteer fire department or ambulance corps, put a few hours a week into the local home for the aged or your children's school.  Best of all, try to do as many of these things as you can fit into your schedule.  Just remember that he's coming home, so reserve enough time in your life for him when he is there.

In other words, don't forget to have a life of your own just as any married woman should.

It doesn't get said often enough, but thank you for YOUR service and sacrifice for our country.  Thank him for us too.  Happy New Year.

[Camella Black]

It seems that your spouse has had the forethought and wisdom to take care of the details in advance.  Making sure that you can take care of the finances and all those things will take the load off your shoulders.  I'm sure that by now he is well into his deployment and you are dealing with it a little better than you thought you would.

Loneliness is probably your biggest problem right now, and the biggest danger too.  It can cause you to fall in with the wrong friends - male and female - who can drag you down.  The answer to this is to have a diversity of personal relationships.  A job, the other wives, a church or synagogue, your neighbors ... all can be sources of support, and all can be trouble if you don't have a balance.  If you have a lot of time on your hands, try taking a course, join the local volunteer fire department or ambulance corps, put a few hours a week into the local home for the aged or your children's school.  Best of all, try to do as many of these things as you can fit into your schedule.  Just remember that he's coming home, so reserve enough time in your life for him when he is there.

In other words, don't forget to have a life of your own just as any married woman should.

It doesn't get said often enough, but thank you for YOUR service and sacrifice for our country.  Thank him for us too.  Happy New Year.

Best advice by far. As the wife of a commerical nukeworker, I have spent my share of alone time while Henry was on the road; we once spent 9 months apart and only saw each other for 2 days during that time.

We have been married for over 28 years. My advice is stay true to yourself and your husband and you'll do fine.