As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards
legislation which requires the prominent placing of warnings on products
that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the
cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely
scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area.
This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.
We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join
together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the
conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of
every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our
suggested list of warnings appears below.
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe,
Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to
the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between
Them.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million
Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged
Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per
Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible
for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This
Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the
grounds that Heisenburg was never quite sure that his principle was
correct)
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a
Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from
Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe,
Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible
for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of
the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May
Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise
Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner
Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No
Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will
Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.
NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a
"Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power
Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the
Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of
99.9999999999% Empty Space.
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be
Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer
Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those
Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are
"Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is
Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only
in a Vague and Undetermined State.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons,
etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable
Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim
to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its
Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the
User.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including
This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small
Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of
This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.
