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Author Topic: ATM Directions  (Read 1026 times)

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stownsend

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ATM Directions
« on: Jul 31, 2008, 01:32 »

>
>'Please note that this Bank is installing new
>Drive-through ATM machines enabling
>customers to withdraw cash without leaving
>their vehicles.
>
>
>Customers using this new facility are
>requested to use the procedures outlined
>below when accessing their accounts.
>
>
>After months of careful research,
>MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
>developed.
>
>Please follow the Appropriate steps for
>your gender.
>
>*****************************
>MALE PROCEDURE:
>1. Drive up to the cash machi ne.
>2. Put down your car window.
>3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
>4 . Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
>5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
>6. Put window up.
>7. Drive off.
>
>
>*******************************
>FEMALE PROCEDURE:
>Unfortunately, most of this part
>is the Truth.!!!!
>
>
>1. Drive up to cash machine.
>2. Reverse and back up the required
>amount to align ca r window with the machine.
>3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
>4. Find handbag, remove all contents on
>to passenger seat to locate card.
>5. Tell person on cell phone you will call
>them back and hang up.
>6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
>7. Open car door to allow easier access
>to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
>8. Insert card.
>9. Re-insert card the right way.
>10. Dig through handbag to find diary
>with your PIN written on the inside back page.
>11. Enter PIN.
>1 2. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
>13. Enter amount of cash required.
>14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
>15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
>16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet
>and place cash inside.
>17. Write debit amount in check register
>and place receipt in back of checkbook.
>18. Re-check makeup.
>19. Drive forward 2 feet.
>20.. Reverse back to cash machine.
>21. Retrieve card.
>22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder,
>and place card into the slot provided!
>23. Give dirty look to irate male driver
>waiting behind you.
>24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
>25. Redial person on cell phone.
>26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
>27. Release Parking Brake.
>
>
>SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO
>NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO
>THE LADIES YOU THINK
>CAN HANDLE IT!
>
>
Welcome to Nukeworker

Offline Smart People

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Re: ATM Directions
« Reply #1 on: Jul 31, 2008, 01:39 »
i think ther's one for the reverse about changing the oil in your car.

can anyone find it?

Troja alert!!!! this may be off topic.

(Troja note: Not anymore)
« Last Edit: Jul 31, 2008, 02:13 by RDTroja »
Blessed is the man who can laugh at himself--he will never cease to be amused
Think twice and say nothing..Chiun
I'm as big a fool as anyone..And bigger than most.. Odd Thomas

Offline ruth13

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Re: ATM Directions
« Reply #2 on: Jul 31, 2008, 01:42 »
>
>'Please note that this Bank is installing new
>Drive-through ATM machines enabling
>customers to withdraw cash without leaving
>their vehicles......


That is pretty funny!  I've known women like that....of course I"m NOT one..... :)
'We do not believe if we do not live and work according to our belief."
Heidi Wills

dollydo

  • Guest
Re: ATM Directions
« Reply #3 on: Jul 31, 2008, 01:50 »
I'm so glad to finally know that there is a man who understands how complicated a woman's life can be.  Thank-you so much, Sugar, Bless your heart. 

Offline Smart People

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Re: ATM Directions
« Reply #4 on: Jul 31, 2008, 02:09 »
Oil Change Instructions for Women:


1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee or read through magazine.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $ 1.00
Total $21.00.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oil Change instructions for Men:


1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter,

hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2)  Discover that the used oil container is full so instead of taking it

back to auto store to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. Jack car up.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7)  Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9)  Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: Gets hot oil on you in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.

16) Have a Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.  Finish oil change tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer.  No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28)  Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33)  Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36)  Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Make bail.
50) Get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
Beer $25.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00

Total $4150.00

But, BY GOD, you know the job was done right!

Blessed is the man who can laugh at himself--he will never cease to be amused
Think twice and say nothing..Chiun
I'm as big a fool as anyone..And bigger than most.. Odd Thomas

 


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