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Offline HousePuke

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A Few Thoughts
« on: Apr 19, 2004, 01:58 »
A penny saved is a congressional spending oversight

Always forgive your enemies.  They hate that!

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn

Ambidextrose: The ability to add sugar to your coffee with either hand

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular why is it still #2?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If you're born again, do you have two belly buttons?
Irish diplomacy is the ability to tell a man to go to hell such that he looks forward to making the trip.

Inspite of inflation, a penny is still a fair price for most peoples thoughts.

wolf459

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #1 on: Apr 20, 2004, 09:06 »
There you go triing to make us think again! :D

Offline SloGlo

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #2 on: Apr 21, 2004, 02:25 »
keep your nose to the grindstone.... and wear a little bandaid like the football pros.

do an honest days work.... so you can afford all the crooks that are out there at night.

when it's your turn at bat, get your cuts in..... the bleeding will eventually stop.
quando omni flunkus moritati

dubble eye, dubble yew, dubble aye!

dew the best ya kin, wit watt ya have, ware yinze are!

Offline HousePuke

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #3 on: Oct 13, 2004, 03:24 »
If it's the psychic network why do they need telephones?

You know that look women get when they want to have sex?  Me neither.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I stopped reading.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Irish diplomacy is the ability to tell a man to go to hell such that he looks forward to making the trip.

Inspite of inflation, a penny is still a fair price for most peoples thoughts.

Atomic_Punk

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #4 on: Oct 13, 2004, 03:41 »
Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?

Steven Wright

Surveyors_mato

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #5 on: Oct 20, 2004, 12:57 »
What if..................? Oh well, never mind :P

Offline UncaBuffalo

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #6 on: Oct 20, 2004, 03:29 »
I was walking down the street the other day and....


...oh....


Wait!  That wasn't me!


 
The days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, I have really good days. -Ray Wylie Hubbard

allforthenukie

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #7 on: Oct 20, 2004, 11:49 »

Why is the public toilet called the "Rest Room"?

allforthenukie

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #8 on: Oct 20, 2004, 04:10 »

     How do wild deer know to only cross the road by the deer crossing signs?

     I guess it's because the signs have a PICTURE of a deer jumping out of the ditch instead of writing that says "deer crossing". (We all know that deer don't know how to read) The deer see the picture of a deer silhouette jumping out into the road and then they KNOW that's where they're supposed to cross.  ;)

Offline JessJen

Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #9 on: Oct 20, 2004, 04:12 »
if vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Atomic_Punk

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #10 on: Oct 21, 2004, 03:40 »
A few years ago I....no... wait a minute.....it was last week.

Offline HousePuke

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #11 on: Oct 21, 2004, 02:00 »
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

 ;) 8) ;D >:(
« Last Edit: Oct 21, 2004, 02:00 by HousePuke »
Irish diplomacy is the ability to tell a man to go to hell such that he looks forward to making the trip.

Inspite of inflation, a penny is still a fair price for most peoples thoughts.

Hawk095

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #12 on: Oct 21, 2004, 03:03 »
Better to be thought a fool than speak and remove all doubt.

Arguing with an engineer is like trying to catch a pig in mud, sooner or later u figure out they both enjoy it.

The grass is always greener on the other side , till u lay down to enjoy it and the chiggers are biting u in the a--..
 :) :-\

Offline Camella Black

Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #13 on: Oct 21, 2004, 04:36 »
My motto, "it's my money and my husband works hard for it."
« Last Edit: Nov 07, 2004, 09:30 by Camella Black »

Offline UncaBuffalo

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #14 on: Oct 21, 2004, 09:37 »

Two wrongs are only the beginning.


2 wrongs don't make a right, but 3 rights make a left.
The days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, I have really good days. -Ray Wylie Hubbard

Offline UncaBuffalo

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #15 on: Oct 21, 2004, 09:55 »
My dog LOVES other animals...




...but he usually just gets canned dog food.

« Last Edit: Oct 30, 2004, 09:11 by UncaBuffalo »
The days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, I have really good days. -Ray Wylie Hubbard

Offline UncaBuffalo

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #16 on: Nov 06, 2004, 12:34 »
Knock-Knock



Who's There?




Control Freak...okay, now YOU say "Control Freak Who?"
« Last Edit: Nov 29, 2004, 12:58 by UncaBuffalo »
The days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, I have really good days. -Ray Wylie Hubbard

halflifer

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #17 on: Nov 07, 2004, 04:27 »
The early bird may get the worm; but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I put spot remover on my dog........now he's gone.

Why do they put braille marks on drive-up ATMs?

Austria

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #18 on: Nov 07, 2004, 01:15 »
Correct use of the "F" word . When is  @#$%  considered acceptable for use?

They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998


AND A DRUM ROLL, PLEASE............!


1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003



Offline Tina

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #19 on: Nov 07, 2004, 02:52 »
 ;)
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter Eggs..
 ;D

 ::) God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do, And the eyesight to tell the difference...
 8)

Offline Eightmile

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #20 on: Nov 15, 2004, 07:46 »

The deer see the picture of a deer silhouette jumping out into the road and then they KNOW that's where they're supposed to cross.  ;)

I guess Michigan deer don't know how to read pictures, either!  They always cross at the (oncoming) lights...
It is a well-known fact that although the public is fine
when taken individually, when it forms itself into large
groups, it tends to act as though it has one partially
consumed Pez tablet for a brain.

Surveyors_mato

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #21 on: Nov 15, 2004, 10:13 »
The early bird may get the worm; but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I put spot remover on my dog........now he's gone.

Why do they put braille marks on drive-up ATMs?
 
Whoa...............I thought I was the only person who had heard of Steven Wright. Way cool.


" I was chosen for jury duty today. Interesting case. It seems 600 ants dress up as rice and robbed a chinese resturant. I don't think they did it. I know a few of them, they wouldn't do a thing like that"

Steven Wright

Atomic_Punk

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #22 on: Nov 16, 2004, 02:33 »
Do you think in Europe, Myles Davis is known as Kilometers Davis?

I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.


Steven Wright

Atomic_Punk

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #23 on: Nov 16, 2004, 02:38 »
How does a blind man know when he's done wiping his butt?

halflifer

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #24 on: Nov 16, 2004, 07:57 »
;)
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter Eggs..
 ;D


and you keep meeting new people and hearing new jokes

halflifer

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #25 on: Nov 17, 2004, 06:08 »
Some new definitions:
1.   Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2.   Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have
gained.
3.   Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 
4.   Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5.   Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6.   Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
      absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7.   Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8.   Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9.   Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you
      are run over by a steamroller.
10.  Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11.  Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12.  Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
      proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
      expressions.
14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die your Soul
     goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts

       

Offline UncaBuffalo

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #26 on: Dec 04, 2004, 03:30 »
When I die, I'd like to go peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather....






...NOT SCREAMING LIKE THE PASSENGERS IN HIS CAR!
The days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, I have really good days. -Ray Wylie Hubbard

Offline JessJen

Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #27 on: Dec 05, 2004, 03:51 »
"Some people are like Slinkies -- not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs."
 

Offline UncaBuffalo

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #28 on: Dec 24, 2004, 02:27 »
So you say you don't like children?





How could anyone not like kids?





You're probably just not cooking them right....
The days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, I have really good days. -Ray Wylie Hubbard

Offline UncaBuffalo

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #29 on: Feb 09, 2005, 02:39 »
Before you criticize a man, you need to walk a mile in his shoes...








...that way, if he doesn't like the criticism, you have a mile head-start and he's trying to chase you barefooted.
« Last Edit: Mar 16, 2008, 08:11 by UncaBuffalo »
The days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, I have really good days. -Ray Wylie Hubbard

Surveyors_mato

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #30 on: Feb 24, 2005, 05:08 »
Knock-Knock



Who's There?




Control Freak...okay, now YOU say "Control Freak Who?"
Control freak Who?

Offline RDTroja

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #31 on: Feb 28, 2005, 11:07 »
I love deadlines.

I especially like the 'whoosh' they make when they fly by.


Must sound sort of like the noise that joke made going over Surveyors_mato's head.

Control freak Who?
"I won't eat anything that has intelligent life, but I'd gladly eat a network executive or a politician."

                                  -Marty Feldman

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I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: 'O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.' And God granted it.

                                  - Voltaire

Offline UncaBuffalo

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #32 on: Mar 16, 2008, 08:12 »
4/3 of all people surveyed had trouble with fractions.
The days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, I have really good days. -Ray Wylie Hubbard

Offline UncaBuffalo

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #33 on: Mar 28, 2008, 09:21 »
There are 3 kinds of people...


...those who can do math...and those who can't...
The days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, I have really good days. -Ray Wylie Hubbard

Motown homey

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #34 on: Apr 08, 2008, 09:58 »
"When I rented this apartment, they told me it was okay to have a pet. 







                                                                                                    I have a pony."

Steven Wright
« Last Edit: May 05, 2009, 08:14 by Motown homey »

Offline radbitch

Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #35 on: Apr 08, 2008, 10:08 »
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Offline UncaBuffalo

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #36 on: Aug 13, 2008, 03:33 »
I read that petting a dog will lower your blood pressure...



...I wonder if that works with cats, too...



...of course, you hardly ever see a cat petting a dog...  ;)
The days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, I have really good days. -Ray Wylie Hubbard

Offline UncaBuffalo

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #37 on: Sep 16, 2008, 03:58 »
On the other hand...





...you have different fingers.
The days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, I have really good days. -Ray Wylie Hubbard

Offline UncaBuffalo

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #38 on: Mar 01, 2009, 10:34 »
I just saw an article about a butcher that had backed into his meat grinder...







                         ...he got a little behind in his work...
The days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, I have really good days. -Ray Wylie Hubbard

Offline HydroDave63

Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #39 on: Mar 01, 2009, 11:01 »
I just saw an article about a butcher that had backed into his meat grinder...


                         ...he got a little behind in his work...

Was that packaged as "butt roast"?  :P

Offline SloGlo

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #40 on: May 05, 2009, 09:37 »
yinz ebber wonder iffen dat one dollar bill in yer pocket ever bin in a strippers butt?
quando omni flunkus moritati

dubble eye, dubble yew, dubble aye!

dew the best ya kin, wit watt ya have, ware yinze are!

Offline RDTroja

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #41 on: May 06, 2009, 09:37 »
yinz ebber wonder iffen dat one dollar bill in yer pocket ever bin in a strippers butt?
you ain't right,....

If you just figured that out, then you ain't right, either.
"I won't eat anything that has intelligent life, but I'd gladly eat a network executive or a politician."

                                  -Marty Feldman

"Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to understand that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."
                                  -Ronald Reagan

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: 'O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.' And God granted it.

                                  - Voltaire

Offline SloGlo

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #42 on: May 06, 2009, 08:19 »
If you just figured that out, then you ain't right, either.
sinsitralicism issa one derful condishun   ;)
quando omni flunkus moritati

dubble eye, dubble yew, dubble aye!

dew the best ya kin, wit watt ya have, ware yinze are!

Offline UncaBuffalo

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #43 on: Jun 25, 2009, 06:46 »




When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams may come true.










      ...unless it's actually a meteorite hurtling towards Earth to destroy all life...











                  ...in which case, you are pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for...












                                         ...unless it's death-by-meteor.


« Last Edit: Jun 25, 2009, 06:47 by UncaBuffalo »
The days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, I have really good days. -Ray Wylie Hubbard

Offline deltarho

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #44 on: Jun 27, 2009, 04:09 »
There are 3 kinds of people...


...those who can do math...and those who can't...

I've always heard that there are 10 types of people in the world.


Those that can read binary and....
The above has nothing to do with any real  or imagined person(s).  Moreover, any referenced biped(s) simulating real or imagined persons--with a pulse or not--is coincidental, as far as you know.

Offline UncaBuffalo

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #45 on: Aug 05, 2009, 06:34 »
There are two rules for success:


1) Never tell everything you know.
The days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, I have really good days. -Ray Wylie Hubbard

Offline UncaBuffalo

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #46 on: Feb 09, 2010, 06:11 »
When you work here you can name your own salary.






                                                                                I named mine, "Fred".
The days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, I have really good days. -Ray Wylie Hubbard

Offline UncaBuffalo

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Re: A Few Thoughts
« Reply #47 on: May 23, 2013, 09:15 »




I planted some bird seed.






A bird came up.



Now I don't know what to feed it.  
« Last Edit: May 23, 2013, 09:16 by UncaBuffalo »
The days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, I have really good days. -Ray Wylie Hubbard

 


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