Why parents drink.....

[Mike McFarlin]

A FATHER PASSING BY HIS SON'S BEDROOM WAS ASTONISHED TO SEE THAT HIS BED WAS NICELY MADE AND EVERYTHING WAS PICKED UP.

THEN HE SAW AN ENVELOPE, PROPPED UP PROMINENTLY ON THE PILLOW THAT WAS ADDRESSED TO "DAD." WITH THE WORST PREMONITION HE OPENED THE ENVELOPE WITH TREMBLING HANDS AND READ THE LETTER.

DEAR DAD:

IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT I'M WRITING YOU. I HAD TO ELOPE WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A SCENE WITH MOM AND YOU. I HAVE FOUND REAL PASSION WITH STACY AND SHE IS SO NICE, BUT I KNEW YOU WOULD NOT APPROVE OF HER BECAUSE OF ALL HER PIERCINGS, TATTOOS, TIGHT MOTORCYCLE CLOTHES AND THE FACT THAT SHE'S MUCH OLDER THAN I AM. BUT IT'S NOT ONLY THE PASSION...DAD, SHE'S PREGNANT. STACY SAID THAT WE'LL BE VERY HAPPY. SHE OWNS A TRAILOR IN THE WOODS AND HAS A STACK OF FIREWOOD FOR THE WHOLE WINTER. WE SHARE A DREAM OF HAVING MORE CHILDREN.

STACY HAS OPENED MY EYES TO THE FACT THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T REALLY HURT ANYONE. WE'LL BE GROWING IT FOR OURSELVES AND TRADING IT WITH THE OTHER PEOPLE THAT LIVE NEARBY FOR COCAINE AND ECSTASY. IN THE MEANTIME WE WILL PRAY THAT SCIENCE WILL FIND A CURE FOR AIDS SO STACY CAN GET BETTER. SHE DESERVES IT. DON'T WORRY DAD, I'M 15 AND I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. SOMEDAY I'M SURE THAT WE WILL BE BACK TO VISIT SO THAT YOU CAN GET TO KNOW YOUR GRANDCHILDREN.

LOVE,
YOUR SON JOHN


P.S. DAD, NONE OF THE ABOVE IS TRUE. I'M OVER AT TOMMY'S HOUSE. I JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN THE REPORT CARD THAT'S IN MY CENTER DESK DRAWER.

I LOVE YOU.
CALL ME WHEN IT'S SAFE TO COME HOME.