marriage in the navy

[navygirlfriend]

Engaged to a Nuke ET... I know this is a difficult path to take, but I think I am prepared for it. I was just wondering if anyone was dating, engaged to, or married to an ET or is one themselves. I was just curious about how difficult my life is going to be for the next few years....

[Rad Sponge]

Need more info:

1. Is he in school or attached to the fleet? What is his paygrade?

2. Is he submarine designated or carrier designated?

3. Do you have children? Do you plan to have children?

4. Do you have family nearby?

5. Are you going to live on a base or off-base?

6. Where will you be stationed?

7. Are you familiar with the family assistance programs available on all major Naval bases?

8. Are you employable? Do you plan to work? Do you have a college degree?

R/ JMK

[visserjr]

I agree with JMK.

1. Both your ages?
2. How long you've been together?
3. His career intentions?

John

[navygirlfriend]

We've been together for 2 years. We're both 19. He just started his "A" school. In my mind if we can make it through his schools we'll be fine. He wants to go Seattle and go into the ballistic submarine stuff, but who knows if he'll get what he wants. I am attending college in Kentucky. We have a rather strong relationship, because the past few years have been rather difficult and we came out of them just fine. I plan to finish school here, and then move to wherever he happens to be stationed. I am majoring in education, so finding a job somewhere shouldn't be too terribly difficult. My family and I are not very close, so it doesn't bother me to move far away from them. I'm not sure what his paygrade is. We plan to have children someday, but he'll probably be reenlisting before we even have time to think about that. We've got a while before we have to figure out a lot of things. We're making the best of our situation, and its barely just begun.

[Already Gone]

Please don't take any of what I am about to say as putting you down.  We were all 19 once with big plans for a perfect future.  Unfortunately reality doesn't mesh with those visions.  Things become more difficult than we imagined they would be, and the excitement wears away with time.
But, it's not all bad news.  In fact, once you are prepared for things, they can't disappoint you.  So, let me help you a little with some advice that you can take or not.
First, the schooling will be the easy part.  He'll be putting in long hours but he will be home for some part of every day.  After school is over, he will be away for weeks or months at a time.  There will be times when you will have gone so long without hearing his voice that you will forget what it sounds like.  He will be nowhere to be found when your car breaks down, or you make a subtraction error on your checkbook that leaves you overdrawn.  He won't be home for Christmas every year, or your birthday, or your anniversary... etc.  You may have to give birth to a child without him there to support you.  You may suffer the loss of a loved-one while you are thousands of miles from your nearest relative - and he won't be home to see you through it.
On the other hand, he will be there for some of those things.  He will not be gone all of the time - even if you begin to feel that he is.  And you will recognize his voice the first time you hear it.
You may find the perfect job, your dream house, a neighbor who becomes your closest friend, and then get transferred away from all of that after a couple of years.  Then, you may find all of those things again at the next duty station - or not.  Be ready for this.  It's a part of Navy life.  It won't hurt nearly as bad as long as you have this in mind from the beginning.
Don't even utter the words "re=enlist", "retire", or "career" until he has been at sea duty for at least two years.  No matter how much money they hold under his nose to reenlist, it may not be worth the misery.  If the time comes that you BOTH decide to reenlist, then it will be a decision that you will have made with full knowledge of the consequences.  Right now, his future career intentions mean ZERO because he doesn't really know yet what it is really like.  So, don't wipe the idea of reenlistment or retirement completely from mind just yet.  But, by the same token, don't set your minds on them either.  Be flexible and see what comes.
Because you are still so young, there will be plenty of time to work on things like saving for a house and raising children.  Don't rush into anything.  Also, don't rush into the assumption that Navy life will be miserable the first time it gets difficult.  It will be what you make of it, and you can always opt to get out after one enlistment if it doesn't suit you as a family.
It's a tougher life than being married to a civilian, but the rewards can be great.  You can make it quite well if you are prepared and if you use the resources at hand.  There will be a network of spouses and others who can help you when he is away.  Do not be afraid, or too proud, to rely on others when you need them.  Also, make yourself as available to them as you can be.  This will strengthen your ties to them.
Recognize that the wives of the officers and senior enlisted men will have bigger, nicer homes than yours.  That is just a matter of them having been married longer and making better salaries than you.  They will understand when you invite them over for coffee and your place is small and a little spare on furnishings.  These things come with time and these people know this from having been in your position before.  The important thing is that you form relationships with them anyway.  You will all be very important to each other.
I tell you this because you say that you are not close to your family, and even if you were the geographical distance from them will mean that you need some dependable people nearby.
A lot of military marriages end in divorce, but probably no more than civilian ones.  The difference is that people who divorce on active duty have the military to blame.  But, the real truth is that most failed marriages fail because of unrealistic expectations.  When they get to the "for better or for worse" part, you have to mean it.  It's never going to be like the movies.
I can't tell you what is going to be the hardest part, or how to avoid or overcome it.  That is different for everyone.  The best advice I could give you is to see marriage - in or out of the Navy - and everything else as a thing that evolves over time.  Let it grow and grow with it.  Just as college life turned out to be very different from the way you imagined it a few years ago, marriage will not be what you think it is going to be like.  So too will Navy life.  That doesn't mean it will be worse - just different.  Don't be disappointed if things are not the way you pictured them - almost nothing ever is.  Take it as the challenge that it is.  Enjoy it.
Good Luck and Godspeed to you both.  Thank him for me for serving this wonderful country.

[Rad Sponge]

Beer wrapped it up in a nutshell.

Here is what I suggest you do in the mean time:

1. Besides gathering info here (which is mostly fromt the Sailor's perspective), once you are married get info from the Fleet and Family Support Center which is a civilian run agency under the auspices of the Navy. They offer everything from counseling, job placement, budgeting, etc etc. A wonderful resource especially if you are estranged or distanced in any way from family.

I say once you are married, because from the Navy's perspective, girlfriends don't count legally, meaning you get no benefits until you are married.

2. I also suggest becoming involved with his first fleet command's spouse group (If its a sub it will be the wive's club).

3. Good for you to have a career. May I suggest you postpone the nuptials until either you are done with your undergrad or at least until he is ready to join the fleet ( done with school). As an ET he has many many moons of school ahead of him (the most of all the different nuke jobs).

4. As Beer said, give it a few years before re-enlisting. I had to because I was selected to be an instructor before joining the fleet, so I had to re-up, but if he is not selected for staff duty (Staff Pick Up Instructor or SPU), you may want to give it a deployment or 2 before signing on for more time.

The very worse thing for you both to do is try and do it alone. The Navy can be your new family if you let it.

[darkmatter]

Engaged to a Nuke ET... I know this is a difficult path to take, but I think I am prepared for it. I was just wondering if anyone was dating, engaged to, or married to an ET or is one themselves. I was just curious about how difficult my life is going to be for the next few years....

Just cause I'm contary, I waited till I got out of the Navy to marry my girlfriend who did stay with me the whole time I was in. Navy Nuke Subs. I saw a lot of relationships go bad with the situation of spouses being separated by Military life. From my observations it seems no one side predominated with the relationship going bad.
By the way, I've been married over 25 years now.

[navygirlfriend]

I think we'll be fine. I know we're just starting out with the whole Navy life, but as of right now I'm only going to get to see him every 3 months or so. I can't exactly drive 8 hours to see him very often, and neither can he. I do get to talk to him everyday, but usually not for longer than 30 minutes. We are both fully aware of how hard it is going to be. We don't actually plan on getting married for at least another 3 years. When I graduate I plan on moving to wherever he is stationed, and we'll just see how things go from there.

[Marlin]

I think we'll be fine. I know we're just starting out with the whole Navy life, but as of right now I'm only going to get to see him every 3 months or so. I can't exactly drive 8 hours to see him very often, and neither can he. I do get to talk to him everyday, but usually not for longer than 30 minutes. We are both fully aware of how hard it is going to be. We don't actually plan on getting married for at least another 3 years. When I graduate I plan on moving to wherever he is stationed, and we'll just see how things go from there.

Excellent attitude, you WILL do fine!!!

[Chimera]

Well, Dang!  Here I was all set to pontificate from my vast experience and wisdom . . . and Beer Court stole my thunder (well said, Beer Court).

As an ex NucET who married while in the Navy, I sympathize with you . . . and am envious of the life's adventure you two are starting on.  I married my sweetheart after finishing all my training schools.  While I saw marriages all around me go down in flames, there were many more that endured and strengthened.  I was very proud that my wife and I made it through the Navy intact.

Choose your friends carefully.  Take advantage of all the support groups the Navy and your church have to offer.  Both will help you weather the long periods of separation you will face.  It may not seem like it now, but once you're married those "brief" periods of separation will seem like an eternity.

While there many things about my life back then that left me unsatisfied, my wife and our friends made it all worth while.  They helped to create some of the best memories I have in this life.

Best wishes, good luck, and God speed.

Michael

[Sugamon]

I'm new to the nuke program I am very excited to start my naval path however I live in Kansas and I think I'll be leaving my girlfriend behind when I goto school in Charleston.  I would love for her to come along with me but its not fair for me to ask her to leave her family and friends behind for me.  So keep in mind this lifestyle is definatly hard for both of you.  Its really going to be hard to leave the girl I was with all through college... 

[navygirlfriend]

Are you leaving her behind as in breaking up or staying together even though you're apart?

[bobsteve]

My wife and I got married in between Power school and prototype.  We have been married for 7 yrs now.  The best thing you can do to make the relationship work is to be understanding and most of all SUPPORT him.  It can work, my wife and I are still going strong even with 3 yrs and all the time she spent married to a nuke.  There are some really great things to be had for spouses of navy folks.

[Beta_effect]

If you can keep kids out of the picture, it could be an excellent opportunity for you to further your education while your the other half is at sea. There will be a time when he will probably want to finish up a degree, so get yours out of the way now. There is lots of ways to accumulate college credits-it would be one way to pass the time...the temptation to step out and party all the time will be hard to ignore...you will be on or near the base and the the seedier side of life will become apparent unless you make up your mind to take advantage of the positive. Just my opinion...

[navywife85]

hey! i just married an ET on july 12. we are only 20 but in my opinion age isnt what matters its what you put into it.anyways he just qualified in prototype.advice i can give to you is let him study as much as he can. the early part of his schooling can be very draining on him.as for what to expect on your part it depends on what he is going for.and the best thing you can do for yourself when he is gone on ship or sub is have some sort of project. i am going back to school so i will be busy most of the time my husband is away. and hopefully doing some renovations to the house we are getting. navy life isnt easy but you get through it. supporting them is important.i am pretty sure that if i can survive it any girl can.good luck!

[Samabby]

These all offer great advice. In addition, try www.submarinewivesclub.org for some wifey viewpoints.