Engaged with Questions

[dwhrmc]

OK so hears the story.  I am 22 years old and have been dating my fiance for over seven years now (since we were fourteen).  We are getting married June 6th 2009 and he leaves for bootcamp December 14th 2008 and then he will be in Nuke School in Goose Creek.  I am from Summerville which is about 20 min to 15 min away.  My family still lives there so they will be close by.

  So we have been through lots of things together.  high school we were always together and now i am currently at the University of South Carolina and we live apart from each other. But i graduate in May.  Some insight on what to expect would be great.  I know that Beercourt makes it sound like no one who is young and just getting married will make it but do you think that is true?  We have waited so long to be married and live together and all of that i just don't think that i could wait any longer.  My father was in the navy for 24 years as a Radio Master Chief and my mother was too.  His dad did subs for 11 years and then got out.  i know what to expect a little bit because my dad was in the military but that was when i was younger. He got out when my mother and he divorced so that he could take custody of my sister and I.  I understand he will be away and busy and all of that but with the Nuke program i want to know what life will be like. Thanks for your input!

[retired nuke]

OK so hears the story.  I am 22 years old and have been dating my fiance for over seven years now (since we were fourteen).  We are getting married June 6th 2009 and he leaves for bootcamp December 14th 2008 and then he will be in Nuke School in Goose Creek.  I am from Summerville which is about 20 min to 15 min away.  My family still lives there so they will be close by.

  So we have been through lots of things together.  high school we were always together and now i am currently at the University of South Carolina and we live apart from each other. But i graduate in May.  Some insight on what to expect would be great.  I know that Beercourt makes it sound like no one who is young and just getting married will make it but do you think that is true?  We have waited so long to be married and live together and all of that i just don't think that i could wait any longer.  My father was in the navy for 24 years as a Radio Master Chief and my mother was too.  His dad did subs for 11 years and then got out.  i know what to expect a little bit because my dad was in the military but that was when i was younger. He got out when my mother and he divorced so that he could take custody of my sister and I.  I understand he will be away and busy and all of that but with the Nuke program i want to know what life will be like. Thanks for your input!

Have a good talk with your dad. He will be a great source of info on how you can help your marriage succeed. Both you and your spouse need to work together. He will be working long hours, deployed for months, a will need to be as secure in the knowledge that you are there for him, as you need to know he is there for you.
Sounds like you two have given it a lot of thought, have spent the time and have the background to go into it with your eyes open. You stand a better than average chance of great success. Drop us a line once in a while to keep us posted, to vent, or to share highlights.
Good luck, best wishes.

[Gamecock]

For the record, my wife and I got married when we were both 19 just prior to the last week of Prototype (June 13, 1992).  We have been married 16+ years without any major issues.  It can be done, but its not easy. 

Having a degree from the finest university in the land should help you gain a good job and help keep you busy when your husband is having to work long hours.  Finding a good church will help you as well.  Good luck to you guys.

Cheers,
GC

[Already Gone]

I don't mean it to sound like that at all.
What I mean is that marriage - any marriage - requires understanding, patience, sacrifice, and dedication.  A Navy marriage amplifies that to a degree unknown to normal humans.
Young marriages often fail due to lack of those strengths, and the demands of a Navy life are so much to bear on the shoulders of ones who are so young that they really should be enjoying life.  It isn't fair to ask a young person to give up youth so soon.  Marriage to a sailor will steal your youth away.
But, if you are willing to accept the weight, and you can stick it out when it gets tough, you can make it.

It is up to you.

[dwhrmc]

I'm not going to lie! I can be a girl who likes a lot of attention!  But for now i think that is because we are away from each other and dont get to see each other often.  I know that this will be the case when we get married but i feel like that it will be a little different becasue we will have had the chance to live together and while he is in school we will see each other everyday.  I also dont make friends real easy.  I can be very outgoing but some times i just hold back so im worried about not making friends to keep me busy. Atleast ill have my parents for awhile.  But what will his day be like from  start to finish when he is in nuke school? 

P.S.  my fiance and i are both using the same screename so at anytime it could be me or him

[pimpizhere18]

So, his experience will vary from day to day like everyone/everything else in life. If he does well in school, he'll get more time off than the average person. If he doesnt do well, he'll get little to no time off for personal time. Just the way it works. Prototype is a different monster. Youre guarenteeing yourself 12-16 hour days for a few months. There may be some leeway here and there to get extra time off, but there really is nothing you can do until you finish to alleviate the amount of time you spend at work.

Going out to sea all depends on where you go as well. Boomers get more time off than everyone else, fast attacks and carriers spend a good deal of time out to sea. And, like previous posts, you will find that there isnt a great deal of time to be "together" while youre stationed on a sea going command. It really is all about you and your fiance doing what you have to do to make your relationship work.

I met my wife about a month after showing up to my first sea duty command. My time onboard involved 11 months of shipyard duty, 21 months (give or take a bit) of out to sea time, and duty while in port. I spent 37 months on board. You'll realize that you will need to find something to help supplement the time that he is gone. My wife took up 2-3 jobs while I was gone on deployment. Found security in friends and family. Church. The time apart is long, but if you can withstand Navy life you can withstand just about anything. Be adults, accept what you know is coming and make the best it to the best of your ability.

[mizzyung]

I'm not going to lie! I can be a girl who likes a lot of attention!  But for now i think that is because we are away from each other and don't get to see each other often.  I know that this will be the case when we get married but i feel like that it will be a little different because we will have had the chance to live together and while he is in school we will see each other everyday.  I also don't make friends real easy.  I can be very outgoing but some times i just hold back so I'm worried about not making friends to keep me busy. At least ill have my parents for awhile.  But what will his day be like from start to finish when he is in nuke school? 

Okay, first let me just give you a little background on me. I'm 23, and my husband is 20. We've been married a little over 2 years, with a 1 year old and another on the way. We were married while both in power school and are still in Charleston now. I got out the Navy to care for my son and my husband currently instructs at prototype.

Being that you know you need that attention, i would GREATLY suggest you start working on that now. I was the same way and admit I may slip up and forget from time to time, and it will only cause problems while in this pipeline. Most of the time with a lot of wives I meet and have become friends with all thought that being able to see each other everyday would help things when power school and prototype can really put a strain on your relationship. Because most are so sure they know their spouse and that things will be one way but everyone is forced to change and adjust to get through this program or more times than not fail. The work, the hours, the test, the duty, the watches, everything can change a whole person's attitude from one day to the next. Being and attention getter, like myself, you are going to have to train your mind early to realize that extra time is going to have to be put in, homework (which can't be brought home) is going to have to be done, watches are going to have to be stood, when you are awake he's gonna have to be sleep, days can go by where your schedules conflicts with one another and you wont see each other. You have to realize and understand that, which may have been easier for me because I was in it myself and went through it, but the better you force yourself to understand that maybe his attitude is not with you but this darn test or schedule or watch or because a stupid class mate did something dumb and now everybody has to pay for it (this one happens a lot) the easier it will make things on him and the less strain you will put on your relationship...

The wives who make it to prototype with their husbands hate it! I hated it! I hated it worse than living in the barracks married in separate buildings with a curfew! And my husband was one of the top in his classes and put in less hours than most and finished all his qualifications over a month early and I STILL HATED PROTOTYPE THE WORST! Just try to understand, the people are very stressful, the hours are very stressful, and the schedule is very stressful with a family at home because it goes from working days one week, afternoons the next week, evenings the week after that, and then overnight the week after that (12 hour shifts including weekends). There's time where you go to work and come home and he's already gone to work and you're already gone by the time he gets home in the morning. Just learn to focus on the time that you are together as being you guys time together and not time you get to voice your opinion on what he can't change and enjoy each other's company while you can before having to eave again. even if it's sitting down eating cinnabuns watching funny videos on youtube for 30mins...Just find little things you can enjoy together for short periods of time.

That's all i can suggest for you to do is try to understand that you will not be the center of attention and not to pick fights or complain about things he can't change. It'll only make him feel worse and slow him down in his studies at the fact that there's nothing he can do because it's his job now. And trust me the more you let him go in and knock this stuff out and get ahead, the more rewarding it is in the end because i got a whole month of my husband coming home every afternoon between 12 and 4 because i sacrificed a few hours a night times before to get qualified and get his work done so he could have more tie with me. The more you sacrifice in the beginning, the more rewarding it is at the end with this schooling

[Brett LaVigne]

You are going to find some that say your crazy, you'll find some that say you will be ok. The fact of the matter is that no one on this site (or anywhere else for that matter) is you. You are an individual and your situation is unique because you are an individual. For any of us to say that it is a good idea or bad idea is only an opinion based on very limited information. You could look at statistics and they would lean one way or another but those statistics are based on people that are not you as well. Your best bet is to talk to people that are closest to you like your father or brother, maybe a close friend. Those are the only people that may have an opinion that is backed by valid information.

I married my high school sweetheart after dating for 6 years, we divorced 9 months later. It was mostly due the fact that we had never been with anyone else. I know plenty of examples of couples that have been married for decades and were high school sweethearts. The stats would tell you that it is a bad idea but then again, no matter what the situation, nearly 50% of all marriages end in divorce. I got married to my second wife after meeting her on a blind date and after only 6 weeks of dating. We have been very happy for 12 years now. The statistics probably would have said that we wouldn't last...but they are not me or her.

The one and only advice I would try to give is this. Getting married at such a young age to the only person you have ever dated, with so much going on in your life, wait for the kids. You have plenty of time and if anything should happen that it doesn't work out down the road, it will be much less complicated.

Good luck, I hope it works out great for you two.

[Cycoticpenguin]

Screw the cookie cutter advice.... If you cant take being apart from your husband you wont make it.  You NEED to understand that he is GOING to get screwed some times. Sometimes, the plants break when you pull in from a 3 week underway, and people get stuck on board for antoehr 2  days. You need to understand that he WILL work long hours, long weeks, and long under ways. If you are getting married, the love should be there. Thats not the issue here. Some couples just cant take the abuse of the program.

Best to you and yours, and I hope all goes well. Go into this with both eyes open, and you guys should do well.

[HydroDave63]

Sometimes, the plants break when you pull in from a 3 week underway, and people get stuck on board for antoehr 2  days.

But berthing MUST remain sparkling!

[dwhrmc]

So everyone is offering wonderful advice! Thanks, my Fiance just gradutated from boot camp and has made back and i think he starts class next monday.  I was wondering, before we get married we are going to be counseled by our pastor, but is there anywhere on base in charleston that offers pre marital counseling that could maybe offer the navy/nuc prespective on marriage?  if there isnt someone needs to start one.  Now I'm freaking out because that post by brett says that he dated his high school sweetheart for six years and got married, and got divorced 9 months later.  My parents are on the their third marriage a piece and i CAN NOT let that happen to me.  I made it through the two months that he was gone at boot camp and i handled it VERY well. ( i suprised myself  .  I understand he is going to be crazy stressed and busy and i am lucky because my family lives close by.....but to keep me from going crazy can someone please point out the positives to being a nuc wife.  THanks, keep bringing on the advice i could use all the help and info that i can get!

[Preciousblue1965]

The Fleet and Family support center in Charleston is very good about having classes from everything to pre-marital counseling to finance counseling to even giving out "SeaBags" for new babies that have all sorts of goodies in them. 

If you choose to get married on base(I did) by the base Chaplain, you will have to attend the pre-marital counseling session that they offer a couple of times a year.  You will also be able to be married in the base chapel for free basically instead of paying for a venue or attending a church if that is not your thing.  You can also rent out the old officer's club or the Redbank club ball room for much cheaper than anything you will find out in town(the ball room was like 500 and the old officers club that is right on the golf course was like 300).  The only downside is that the Redbank club has to do the catering, but they are very good an professional.  Me and my wife did our wedding for under 2K for the rental, food, drinks, cake, and most of the big stuff.  Anywhere else it would have been easily over 5K.

If you got any question, PM me and I will let you know who and where to go when you get there.

[mizzyung]

I've been here close to 3yrs now and the fleet & Family on base is very good and very helpful with everything...The ladies there are great and have helped my family out a lot. They do everything from counseling, to new and old parenting classes, and spousal support to help adapt and find jobs. They are really good. Navy Marine Corp Relief is great for helping out with finances and finding all the good deals in the area and Mrs. Wilson is great and they are right across the street from one another...I used to volunteer at NMCR and get personal home visits from fleet and family to help with my baby's development so if you have any questions about them, don't hesitate to message me

[Khak-Hater]

I understand he is going to be crazy stressed and busy and i am lucky because my family lives close by.....but to keep me from going crazy can someone please point out the positives to being a nuc wife.

Something came to mind when you asked this, and, so, I asked my wife to confirm it, which she did.  We both agreed that the single best moment in a Navy relationship, is that day when the ship comes in after a long deployment.  She'd go out and get her hair done, buy a new dress and balloons, and stand there on the pier waiting with everyone else.  It's more than just waiting in the airport for someone to come back from a business trip.  It involves a collective sacrifice for the greater good, that makes it really special.  I know that it sounds corny and cliche, but it really is one of those memorable moments in life that, upon reflection, make everything else worth it.  In that moment we're all the same.  Now you can't live your life just for a handful of moments, but as you get older, looking back on those moments give you a wonderful sense of who you've been.  It's hard to describe. 

Now I'm freaking out because that post by brett says that he dated his high school sweetheart for six years and got married, and got divorced 9 months later.  My parents are on the their third marriage a piece and i CAN NOT let that happen to me.

When my daughter was in elementary school, it seemed like most of her friends had parents who were either divorced or getting divorced.  Putting two and two together, she asked us when we were getting divorced.  I told her that when you apply for your marriage license, you can apply for a temporary license or a permanent license.  They each cost the same, but one is for a temporary marriage and the other permanent.  It depends on the kind of a license you commit to when you get married, and when we got married, we got a permanent license.  Only people with temporary licenses can get divorced.  This set her mind at ease, and she never asked about it again.  Now she's a teenager, and she's figured out my silly lie along with Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny, but conceptually, it's a sound way to look at it.

Don't promise to "love, cherish, and obey" someone "for richer or poorer" [monetarilly and spiritually] "in sickness and health" [physical and mental] "till death do you part" (i.e., one or both of you are DEAD), unless you really mean it.  I've often thought that modern marriage vows should be more like "I promise to share my life and property with you as long as our relationship is interesting and compatible, until you or I get bored with each other, or drift apart, or find someone better, or find out something about each other that we really can't live with, then we'll divvy up our stuff and move on."  A permanent marriage isn't some job or contract that you can duck out on when it doesn't work out the way you wanted.  It's a commitment for the rest of your life. 

So think about what kind of marriage license or vows that you [specifically YOU] can really live with.  Be honest about it with yourself, and you won't have to beat yourself up about it when it works out the only way that it can. 

I hope that this didn't come off as too judgemental, but I hate the term "failed marriage."  If you perceive divorce as an option, then divorce isn't a failure, it's a natural endpoint.  Accept it as such.  People who accept divorce as an option, but stay married for their whole lives, aren't special.  They're just really lucky (i.e., success by serendipity). 

Hoping that you have a happy life,

mgm

[still_in]

I told her that when you apply for your marriage license, you can apply for a temporary license or a permanent license.  They each cost the same, but one is for a temporary marriage and the other permanent.  It depends on the kind of a license you commit to when you get married, and when we got married, we got a permanent license.  Only people with temporary licenses can get divorced. 

This is brilliant, I'm going to have to remember this when my kid grows up.

[zilla]

I won't lie to you..... any marriage to a service person has to be uber strong to survive the stress of separation, job induced stress, etc.... It takes 100% commitment from both parties and endless love and support in both directions.  It will be interesting and rewarding and trying and tough, but it will be worth it.  You'll enjoy being a part of your family serving this great nation, your husband will develop the skills and knowledge to have a great career (post navy) and you'll enjoy the fruits of his/your labor when he's making the big money in the civilian world in a (pretty much) recession-proof industry.

[DDMurray]

Lots of good info here.  I have no secret formula for success, but I just retired from the Navy.  We got married between A School and Power School (Oct 84).  My wife had never been away from home when we packed her stuff and drove to Orlando.  Nobody can tell you how it will be for you.  As my wife and her friends often said when dealing with stressful times during Navy-induced separations, "Sometimes you just have to put on your big girl panties and deal with it".

Good luck

DM

[Wirebiter]

The one and only advice I would try to give is this. Getting married at such a young age to the only person you have ever dated, with so much going on in your life, wait for the kids. You have plenty of time and if anything should happen that it doesn't work out down the road, it will be much less complicated.

That, in my opinion, is the single biggest reason my wife and I made it as long as we have.  I have seen too many good people in good relationships, collapse under the added stresses of child rearing at such an early age.

Best wishes.....

[HockeyFan]

I understand he is going to be crazy stressed and busy and i am lucky because my family lives close by.....but to keep me from going crazy can someone please point out the positives to being a nuc wife.  THanks, keep bringing on the advice i could use all the help and info that i can get!

The positives are:
1.  more money (housing $$$)
2.  Navy benefits (healthcare, etc.)
3.  your new family

My advice is to have something that you can do without your husband.  It could be a hobby, volunteer work, or career as long as it can transfer and you interact with other people.  You'll be happier, and that will make your marriage happier.

Dave