Newbie Nuke Wife with ?'s

[scarecrow55]

First of all I'd like to say I think this forum rocks! Sorry if these things have been aswered already in previous topics. Anyways, my husband signed up to be a nuke and is going to graduate RTC in two weeks. I write to him about this site a bunch! I was wondering if anyone can tell me when he finds out what rate he gets. He plans to move me out there with him asap, how does that work? I'm also wondering what I can do to help him out when he starts school. I know that can't help much if any with studying and whatnot, but is there anything I can do to make our new life in this go smoother? I don't wanna end up being the straw that broke the camels back, if you know what I mean! I love him so much and wanna give him as much support as I possibly can!  Thanks in advance!

[graydragon67]

He will know which school he's going to for his RATE.  He has to graduate from that school to earn his Rate and Crow (E-4, ah how proud we were then...).

You did say Husband, so he should have filled out all the paperwork on YOU while in boot camp.  Thus, he'll be able to move you and your combined belongings on his way to A-school.  Of course that might be pending on the amount of time he has to get to school.  If its only a weekend, you will be getting used to one of the many things a Navy WIFE has to endure.  Packing up the household to move while HUBBY is doing Navy Stuff. 

As for helping him out in school...  Be understanding.  I say this with no knowledge of him or yourself.  When I went thru the pipeline there were guys that put in 50+ hours a week (Over the school hours) to make squeak thru class.  While others breezed by with a 10 or less.  So, if he's putting in long hours look at it as training for when he's on the boat.  Except he gets to come home every night.

Do NOT wash RED items with his WHITE uniform the day before an Inspection.  My wife did this to me while I was in the fleet.  Nothing worse than wearing a faint pink uniform in front of the chief and trying to explain it. 

Oh and did you read this post by beer court?  http://www.nukeworker.com/forum/index.php/topic,6482.0.html  It's in the staying in topic...  It goes like this...

He puts it all very nicely. 

Ciao Dave

Please don't take any of what I am about to say as putting you down.  We were all 19 once with big plans for a perfect future.  Unfortunately reality doesn't mesh with those visions.  Things become more difficult than we imagined they would be, and the excitement wears away with time.
But, it's not all bad news.  In fact, once you are prepared for things, they can't disappoint you.  So, let me help you a little with some advice that you can take or not.
First, the schooling will be the easy part.  He'll be putting in long hours but he will be home for some part of every day.  After school is over, he will be away for weeks or months at a time.  There will be times when you will have gone so long without hearing his voice that you will forget what it sounds like.  He will be nowhere to be found when your car breaks down, or you make a subtraction error on your checkbook that leaves you overdrawn.  He won't be home for Christmas every year, or your birthday, or your anniversary... etc.  You may have to give birth to a child without him there to support you.  You may suffer the loss of a loved-one while you are thousands of miles from your nearest relative - and he won't be home to see you through it.
On the other hand, he will be there for some of those things.  He will not be gone all of the time - even if you begin to feel that he is.  And you will recognize his voice the first time you hear it.
You may find the perfect job, your dream house, a neighbor who becomes your closest friend, and then get transferred away from all of that after a couple of years.  Then, you may find all of those things again at the next duty station - or not.  Be ready for this.  It's a part of Navy life.  It won't hurt nearly as bad as long as you have this in mind from the beginning.
Don't even utter the words "re=enlist", "retire", or "career" until he has been at sea duty for at least two years.  No matter how much money they hold under his nose to reenlist, it may not be worth the misery.  If the time comes that you BOTH decide to reenlist, then it will be a decision that you will have made with full knowledge of the consequences.  Right now, his future career intentions mean ZERO because he doesn't really know yet what it is really like.  So, don't wipe the idea of reenlistment or retirement completely from mind just yet.  But, by the same token, don't set your minds on them either.  Be flexible and see what comes.
Because you are still so young, there will be plenty of time to work on things like saving for a house and raising children.  Don't rush into anything.  Also, don't rush into the assumption that Navy life will be miserable the first time it gets difficult.  It will be what you make of it, and you can always opt to get out after one enlistment if it doesn't suit you as a family.
It's a tougher life than being married to a civilian, but the rewards can be great.  You can make it quite well if you are prepared and if you use the resources at hand.  There will be a network of spouses and others who can help you when he is away.  Do not be afraid, or too proud, to rely on others when you need them.  Also, make yourself as available to them as you can be.  This will strengthen your ties to them.
Recognize that the wives of the officers and senior enlisted men will have bigger, nicer homes than yours.  That is just a matter of them having been married longer and making better salaries than you.  They will understand when you invite them over for coffee and your place is small and a little spare on furnishings.  These things come with time and these people know this from having been in your position before.  The important thing is that you form relationships with them anyway.  You will all be very important to each other.
I tell you this because you say that you are not close to your family, and even if you were the geographical distance from them will mean that you need some dependable people nearby.
A lot of military marriages end in divorce, but probably no more than civilian ones.  The difference is that people who divorce on active duty have the military to blame.  But, the real truth is that most failed marriages fail because of unrealistic expectations.  When they get to the "for better or for worse" part, you have to mean it.  It's never going to be like the movies.
I can't tell you what is going to be the hardest part, or how to avoid or overcome it.  That is different for everyone.  The best advice I could give you is to see marriage - in or out of the Navy - and everything else as a thing that evolves over time.  Let it grow and grow with it.  Just as college life turned out to be very different from the way you imagined it a few years ago, marriage will not be what you think it is going to be like.  So too will Navy life.  That doesn't mean it will be worse - just different.  Don't be disappointed if things are not the way you pictured them - almost nothing ever is.  Take it as the challenge that it is.  Enjoy it.
Good Luck and Godspeed to you both.  Thank him for me for serving this wonderful country.

[cairobat]

Hi,

I'm a wife of a MM who's at NNPTC here in Charleston.  We moved here from California and, if I recall correctly, they gave him around 8-10 days of leave to get us here.  I haven't heard of anyone NOT being able to move their family right after boot camp.  Depending on where you're moving from, this can be very expensive, so you might want to start preparing for that.  Fortunately, we banked all the money he got in boot camp, so we used that for the move - otherwise we would have needed to come up with around $4000 or so to get us across the county.  He can get an advance to help your moving costs when he gets to Charleston if you need it.   One thing that came as a shock to me was that I had to pack myself.  Nearly everyone I talked to said that someone would do that for us, but apparently that only happens on your subsequent relocations.  Being told I had 3-4 days to pack everything I owned (a considerable amount of STUFF!) was very stressful. 

The fact that you're already going into this with a positive and supportive attitude is great!  That alone will be a tremendous help.  My husband and I are doing better than I could have possibly imagined and I hope the same for you!  If you have any questions, let me know and I will answer what I can or try to refer you to someone.  If you haven't already seen it - here's the website for NWS Charleston (http://www.nwschs.navy.mil/).

[taterhead]

Bravo, Cairobat-

Your insight will likely be the most helpful to our new Navy wife scarecrow.

[cairobat]

I'm a Nuclear Navy wife who's been here at NNPTC since July 2005.

I highly suggest that you put off moving until he gets to Charleston if you can.
If you move now, the Navy will not pay for it.  If you move after they give him the go-ahead (generally, right after he reports here after boot camp) the Navy WILL pay for it.  Depending on where you live now, this could be a lot of money.  Also, if you move now, you will not be able to live in base housing.  You will be responsible for finding your own housing (some of the places around here are pretty undesirable, in my honest opinion) and you'll be responsible for your own utilities.  Base housing here at Charleston is safe, well-kept, and plentiful.  (edited to add - you can live in base housing *after* your husband joins you here, but you may end up with a lease that you can't get out of.  This has happened to a couple I know and caused them a big hardship).

As for the rest of the questions, there are a lot of variables that make giving an answer difficult.  Until he gets through the pipeline, it is impossible to tell what kind of ship he'll be on and where he'll be stationed.  Station preferences tend to be given to those who do well in school, but ultimately it's all based on Needs Of The Navy. 

Do a search on "Navy Wife" or "Navy Wives" and you will find numerous support groups.

[scarecrow55]

Thank you all for the help! I actually started packing most of our stuff(except the essentials) on my own a week ago assuming they wouldn't pay for anything from the start so he wouldn't have to stress about that as much. I'll have to check out that website too. And I'll try my best to be as supportive and understanding about this as I can, and not mix the reds with his white uniform when the time comes! I really appreciate this and thanks again all!

[dsv2002]

Hi all. First of all thank you for your responses. Danny left for bootcamp a week ago exactly and it seems like it has been an eternity already. One more question, I am moving up to Charleston before he gets back. Will he still get leave even though I am already moved??? Will we have any time together or will it be straight into school? Thanks for any responses.

[Rad Sponge]

There is no leave after boot and before class starts in my experience and I am not speaking for everyone.

Normally it goes like this...

Bootcamp graduation on Friday, travel to SC on Friday, check in to base late Friday night/Sat Morning, class up/form up on Monday. He may be in a barracks Sat Night and Sunday until Monday when his new supervisors can start sorting out the married from the unmarried. He may or may not be able to leave the base until Monday. You might not be able to get on base until you get an ID which requires him registering you at his Personnel office. You also have to get Government Stickers for your vehicle, etc.

Basically it could be a stressful time with him being so close and yet seperated by administration needs.

Will he start class on Monday? No one knows. He will either start learning or start cleaning while he waits for more shipmates to arrive. If he does not class up for school he will most likely be on 0700-1600 schedule or maybe he will be on a night schedule keeping the place cleaned at night (waxing floors, etc). He also might have to come in early or stay late for mandatory Physical Training (PT)

If he does not class up can he take leave? I doubt it. Even though leave is a right, it is a training environment on a tight schedule, therefore leave is subject to the needs of the training command. During the training pipeline, leave is allowed between schools. Graduate school, get leave. Graduate school, get leave. Like that.

If he does class up he will be on most likely a 0600-2000 schedule accounting for PT and study hours 6 days/ week.

;DNavy Spouse 101 - Feb 16, 2006 -  Being a Navy spouse can be a bit overwhelming, but such an adventure. Get off to a great start by attending this event! It will be held in the Fleet and Family Service Center(Bldg. 755) on Thursday Feb. 16th, 2006 from 9:00am – 2:00pm. Call (843)764-7480 for more information!

Call these people. They can help you. This is the Support Center for the Base.

[scarecrow55]

Crud...now I'm confused. Soo...does the Navy pay for the move? Some say no and some say yes.. which one? We're going to move into base housing if that makes a difference. The Senior Chief at RTC told him that he would get leave, but from reading this I don't know now. And are all Nukes grad n gos? His graduation packet suggests that he leaves on Sunday, not like I'm going, but it'd be nice to know that too. I'd greatly appreciate it if anyone can clear this up for me cause all this info is kind of conflicting eachother.

[taterhead]

Have you paid a visit to his recuiter?

Pose these questions to him and don't leave until he calls up NPS and gets an answer for you.  His job did not end when your husband left for Boot Camp.

[Rad Sponge]

As far as the Grad and Go.

Some Sailors get the "Graduation Weekend" where they graduate on Friday and then get liberty Saturday to spend time with loved ones and then come Sunday they begin organizing and traveling off to their first duty assignment.

My class graduated on Friday, had a couple of hours to chit chat, and left for NNPTC.

[scarecrow55]

Ok, that answers the grad n go question. And as for the recruiter thing...Well, the thing is I would go to his recruiter, if he were still here. He's not in recruiting anymore(think he got shipped off or something, I dunno) and even when he was around I'd ask these questions and he wouldn't have any idea. Any ideas on what to do about this? Thanks for the help guys I really appreciate it. 

[Rad Sponge]

1. Your husband will know when he ships from boot to SC. I figure you will be attending his graduation and that should settle that issue nicely.

2. Contact that number I gave you. They can put you in touch with Navy Wives support groups and most importantly the OMBUDSMAN for NNPTC. An OMBUDSMAN is the title of a person (usually the spouse of one the staff) whose purpose is to assist as a liason between the spouse and the command.

Find out who the OMBUDSMAN is for Nuclear Field A-School (NFAS) at Naval Nuclear Power Training Command (NNPTC). Tell them who you are and who your husband is (name, rating (EMFN, ETSN, or MMFN) and his expected arrival date.

3. Wait to do this until a week or so before he graduates.

4. As far as all the moving stuff, the OMBUDSMAN or FFSC can help you with all your questions.

5. Relax

[scarecrow55]

Thank you for all the help I will try calling that number. 

[cairobat]

Crud...now I'm confused. Soo...does the Navy pay for the move? Some say no and some say yes.. which one? We're going to move into base housing if that makes a difference. The Senior Chief at RTC told him that he would get leave, but from reading this I don't know now. And are all Nukes grad n gos? His graduation packet suggests that he leaves on Sunday, not like I'm going, but it'd be nice to know that too. I'd greatly appreciate it if anyone can clear this up for me cause all this info is kind of conflicting eachother.

Scarecrow,

The Navy reimbursed us for moving, but we had to pay all costs up front out of our own pocket.  Reimbursement can take several weeks.  I have not heard of anyone not getting leave to move.  All of my husband's married classmates were given leave to bring their spouses back with them.

My husband was not grad-and-go, but whether or not your husband will be depends on his division.  I was able to spend time with him Friday and Saturday.  He did not have overnight leave, so he had to be back ON TIME each night.

Tracy

Note to Moderaters:  I noticed that this thread has been combined with a different (but similar) thread started by dsv2002 and I think that may be making the responses to the individual questions difficult to sort out and causing confusion.  Any chance that can be reverted?

[Rad Sponge]

I split this topic to start with Scarecrow.

Hope this helps.

Jason

[cairobat]

I split this topic to start with Scarecrow.

Hope this helps.

Jason

Thanks, Jason.  One of the responses that I sent to dvs2002 is still erroniously posted in this topic.  It has to do with her moving to Charleston before he gets out of boot camp.  I can repost it under the proper topic, but I can't move or delete it.

[dsv2002]

sorry cariobat I didn't get your message on me moving before hand. If you don't mind my e-mail is danny_nicole_v@yahoo.com if you can't post it

[Hoss]

Scarecrow,

First, Thanks to YOU and your husabnd for your service!  When a person is in the Nav, the whole family serves.

Second, As for being supportive while he is in school:

1. I was single for most of my schooling (except the last one, ELT school, which he may or may not attend), but I watched many of my married friends and their stuggles to balance family life with school work.  For many of them, trying to carry both loads equally lead to both suffering.  "A" school was not that onerous (at least for me), but power school and prototype will take all of everything he can give it and then require some more.  Just realize that this is THE highest stress time there will be during his tenure in the Nav, and that things will ease up after school.  The old Navy saw that, "It will get better when you get to the fleet," is generally true.  Just remember that for all of the long hours he is going to be putting in for the next year or so you and he will be paid great dividends in the future.  The lucrative job opportunities that will be available to him when he gets out more than pays for the human cost to you both while he is in.  As much as you are able, give him as much time to devote to school as possible.  This will allow him to take advantage of good grades (extra schools, earlier advancement possiblities, plum assignments, etc.).

2. After the schooling is all over and he reports to his first sea command, be prepared for another radical world change.  At least while he is in school, you both will be able to predict his schedule with a fair amount of accuracy.  When he gets to the fleet, all bets are off.  Inport or out of port, his schedule is always subject to change at the last minute.  That last minute field day (sweeping, mopping, cleaning, etc.) that his chief springs on the division will ruin your Friday night dinner plans a time or two.  When he goes on Westpac or on a Med cruise (usually six month deployments) don't forget that the needs of the nation may require him to be gone much longer than originally planned.  Trying to plan that pregnancy or brother Ned's wedding so he can be there may be an exercise in futility.  Not all is lost, though.  The Navy's policy of 30 days of leave are hard to beat in the civilian world.  For the birth of my first child, I was able to take a whole month off to be home with my wife and baby.

3. Try to put off starting a family, if possible, for as long as possible (don't be like me and get your first AND second wives pregnant within months of getting married (wasn't my fault, we were using birth control both times).  Now, just because 2/3's of my kids were unplanned doesn't mean I love them any less, but the lives of my first wife (I met my second wife many years after getting out) and me would have been much different if we had had the opportunity to wait.  If you don't have kids yet, enjoy the peace and quiet and your husband while you can (Currently, my fifteen year-old is in her room watching tv and doing her homework, but my three year-old is running around chasing the cat and dogs).  When you do have kids, try to schedule as much alone time with your spouse as the kids and Navy allow.

My thanks to you both again and fair winds and following seas.

Hoss

[scarecrow55]

Thank you all for the advice and for clearing this up for me. I really appreciate it!