A Few Thoughts

[HousePuke]

A penny saved is a congressional spending oversight

Always forgive your enemies.  They hate that!

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn

Ambidextrose: The ability to add sugar to your coffee with either hand

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular why is it still #2?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If you're born again, do you have two belly buttons?

[wolf459]

There you go triing to make us think again!

[SloGlo]

keep your nose to the grindstone.... and wear a little bandaid like the football pros.

do an honest days work.... so you can afford all the crooks that are out there at night.

when it's your turn at bat, get your cuts in..... the bleeding will eventually stop.

[HousePuke]

If it's the psychic network why do they need telephones?

You know that look women get when they want to have sex?  Me neither.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I stopped reading.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

[Atomic_Punk]

Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?

Steven Wright

[Surveyors_mato]

What if..................? Oh well, never mind

[UncaBuffalo]

I was walking down the street the other day and....


...oh....


Wait!  That wasn't me!


 

[allforthenukie]

Why is the public toilet called the "Rest Room"?

[allforthenukie]

     How do wild deer know to only cross the road by the deer crossing signs?

     I guess it's because the signs have a PICTURE of a deer jumping out of the ditch instead of writing that says "deer crossing". (We all know that deer don't know how to read) The deer see the picture of a deer silhouette jumping out into the road and then they KNOW that's where they're supposed to cross. 

[JessJen]

if vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

[Atomic_Punk]

A few years ago I....no... wait a minute.....it was last week.

[HousePuke]

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

[Hawk095]

Better to be thought a fool than speak and remove all doubt.

Arguing with an engineer is like trying to catch a pig in mud, sooner or later u figure out they both enjoy it.

The grass is always greener on the other side , till u lay down to enjoy it and the chiggers are biting u in the a--..

[Camella Black]

My motto, "it's my money and my husband works hard for it."

[UncaBuffalo]

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

2 wrongs don't make a right, but 3 rights make a left.

[UncaBuffalo]

My dog LOVES other animals...




...but he usually just gets canned dog food.

[UncaBuffalo]

Knock-Knock



Who's There?




Control Freak...okay, now YOU say "Control Freak Who?"

[halflifer]

The early bird may get the worm; but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I put spot remover on my dog........now he's gone.

Why do they put braille marks on drive-up ATMs?

[Austria]

Correct use of the "F" word . When is  @#$%  considered acceptable for use?

They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998


AND A DRUM ROLL, PLEASE............!


1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003

[Tina]

 
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter Eggs..


God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do, And the eyesight to tell the difference...

[Eightmile]

The deer see the picture of a deer silhouette jumping out into the road and then they KNOW that's where they're supposed to cross. 

I guess Michigan deer don't know how to read pictures, either!  They always cross at the (oncoming) lights...

[Surveyors_mato]

The early bird may get the worm; but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I put spot remover on my dog........now he's gone.

Why do they put braille marks on drive-up ATMs?

Whoa...............I thought I was the only person who had heard of Steven Wright. Way cool.


" I was chosen for jury duty today. Interesting case. It seems 600 ants dress up as rice and robbed a chinese resturant. I don't think they did it. I know a few of them, they wouldn't do a thing like that"

Steven Wright

[Atomic_Punk]

Do you think in Europe, Myles Davis is known as Kilometers Davis?

I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.


Steven Wright

[Atomic_Punk]

How does a blind man know when he's done wiping his butt?

[halflifer]

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter Eggs..

and you keep meeting new people and hearing new jokes

[halflifer]

Some new definitions:
1.   Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2.   Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have
gained.
3.   Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 
4.   Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5.   Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6.   Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
      absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7.   Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8.   Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9.   Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you
      are run over by a steamroller.
10.  Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11.  Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12.  Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
      proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
      expressions.
14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die your Soul
     goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts

       

[UncaBuffalo]

When I die, I'd like to go peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather....






...NOT SCREAMING LIKE THE PASSENGERS IN HIS CAR!

[JessJen]

"Some people are like Slinkies -- not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs."

[UncaBuffalo]

So you say you don't like children?





How could anyone not like kids?





You're probably just not cooking them right....

[UncaBuffalo]

Before you criticize a man, you need to walk a mile in his shoes...








...that way, if he doesn't like the criticism, you have a mile head-start and he's trying to chase you barefooted.

[Surveyors_mato]

Knock-Knock



Who's There?




Control Freak...okay, now YOU say "Control Freak Who?"

Control freak Who?

[RDTroja]

I love deadlines.

I especially like the 'whoosh' they make when they fly by.


Must sound sort of like the noise that joke made going over Surveyors_mato's head.

Control freak Who?

[UncaBuffalo]

4/3 of all people surveyed had trouble with fractions.

[UncaBuffalo]

There are 3 kinds of people...


...those who can do math...and those who can't...

[Motown homey]

"When I rented this apartment, they told me it was okay to have a pet. 







                                                                                                    I have a pony."

Steven Wright

[radbitch]

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

[UncaBuffalo]

I read that petting a dog will lower your blood pressure...



...I wonder if that works with cats, too...



...of course, you hardly ever see a cat petting a dog... 

[UncaBuffalo]

On the other hand...





...you have different fingers.

[UncaBuffalo]

I just saw an article about a butcher that had backed into his meat grinder...







                         ...he got a little behind in his work...

[HydroDave63]

I just saw an article about a butcher that had backed into his meat grinder...


                         ...he got a little behind in his work...

Was that packaged as "butt roast"? 

[SloGlo]

yinz ebber wonder iffen dat one dollar bill in yer pocket ever bin in a strippers butt?

[RDTroja]

yinz ebber wonder iffen dat one dollar bill in yer pocket ever bin in a strippers butt?

you ain't right,....

If you just figured that out, then you ain't right, either.

[SloGlo]

If you just figured that out, then you ain't right, either.

sinsitralicism issa one derful condishun   

[UncaBuffalo]

When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams may come true.










      ...unless it's actually a meteorite hurtling towards Earth to destroy all life...











                  ...in which case, you are pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for...












                                         ...unless it's death-by-meteor.

[deltarho]

There are 3 kinds of people...


...those who can do math...and those who can't...

I've always heard that there are 10 types of people in the world.


Those that can read binary and....

[UncaBuffalo]

There are two rules for success:


1) Never tell everything you know.

[UncaBuffalo]

When you work here you can name your own salary.






                                                                                I named mine, "Fred".

[UncaBuffalo]

I planted some bird seed.






A bird came up.



Now I don't know what to feed it.