A Few Thoughts

[HousePuke]

A penny saved is a congressional spending oversight

Always forgive your enemies.  They hate that!

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn

Ambidextrose: The ability to add sugar to your coffee with either hand

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular why is it still #2?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If you're born again, do you have two belly buttons?

[wolf459]

There you go triing to make us think again!

[SloGlo]

keep your nose to the grindstone.... and wear a little bandaid like the football pros.

do an honest days work.... so you can afford all the crooks that are out there at night.

when it's your turn at bat, get your cuts in..... the bleeding will eventually stop.

[HousePuke]

If it's the psychic network why do they need telephones?

You know that look women get when they want to have sex?  Me neither.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I stopped reading.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

[Atomic_Punk]

Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?

Steven Wright

[Surveyors_mato]

What if..................? Oh well, never mind

[UncaBuffalo]

I was walking down the street the other day and....


...oh....


Wait!  That wasn't me!


 

[allforthenukie]

Why is the public toilet called the "Rest Room"?

[allforthenukie]

     How do wild deer know to only cross the road by the deer crossing signs?

     I guess it's because the signs have a PICTURE of a deer jumping out of the ditch instead of writing that says "deer crossing". (We all know that deer don't know how to read) The deer see the picture of a deer silhouette jumping out into the road and then they KNOW that's where they're supposed to cross. 

[JessJen]

if vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

[Atomic_Punk]

A few years ago I....no... wait a minute.....it was last week.

[HousePuke]

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

[Hawk095]

Better to be thought a fool than speak and remove all doubt.

Arguing with an engineer is like trying to catch a pig in mud, sooner or later u figure out they both enjoy it.

The grass is always greener on the other side , till u lay down to enjoy it and the chiggers are biting u in the a--..

[Camella Black]

My motto, "it's my money and my husband works hard for it."

[UncaBuffalo]

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

2 wrongs don't make a right, but 3 rights make a left.

[UncaBuffalo]

My dog LOVES other animals...




...but he usually just gets canned dog food.

[UncaBuffalo]

Knock-Knock



Who's There?




Control Freak...okay, now YOU say "Control Freak Who?"

[halflifer]

The early bird may get the worm; but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I put spot remover on my dog........now he's gone.

Why do they put braille marks on drive-up ATMs?

[Austria]

Correct use of the "F" word . When is  @#$%  considered acceptable for use?

They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998


AND A DRUM ROLL, PLEASE............!


1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003

[Tina]

 
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter Eggs..


God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do, And the eyesight to tell the difference...

[Eightmile]

The deer see the picture of a deer silhouette jumping out into the road and then they KNOW that's where they're supposed to cross. 

I guess Michigan deer don't know how to read pictures, either!  They always cross at the (oncoming) lights...

[Surveyors_mato]

The early bird may get the worm; but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I put spot remover on my dog........now he's gone.

Why do they put braille marks on drive-up ATMs?

Whoa...............I thought I was the only person who had heard of Steven Wright. Way cool.


" I was chosen for jury duty today. Interesting case. It seems 600 ants dress up as rice and robbed a chinese resturant. I don't think they did it. I know a few of them, they wouldn't do a thing like that"

Steven Wright

[Atomic_Punk]

Do you think in Europe, Myles Davis is known as Kilometers Davis?

I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.


Steven Wright

[Atomic_Punk]

How does a blind man know when he's done wiping his butt?

[halflifer]

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter Eggs..

and you keep meeting new people and hearing new jokes