Sta-21 Personal Essay

[Yudivitch]

Hello All, I am currently a student in ENPS. I recently applied to the STA-21 program. The first document due while building our packages is the personal statement. At first, i thought this would be the easiest part of the whole package, im now realizing it isnt as easy as i thought. From what ive been told, the personal statement can make or break your application so i really want to submit the best essay possible. Attached below is what i have so far. Please, any and all criticism is accepted with open ears.


      [size=0pt]      Growing up, many of my family members were in the military. Most notable of which was my father. Serving twenty years in the United States Army Infantry, and retiring as a Sergeant First Class. As a child I was inspired by my father as someone who had enjoyed a successful military career, and was respected by his leaders, peers, and soldiers. Although when I was younger I wasn't sure if a career in the military was what I wanted for myself. I know now, even after a period of enlistment as short as mine, that I was lucky to have him as a role model. After all, it was my sense of respect for him that got me interested in the military.[/size]
[size=0pt]      It wasn't until I was finishing up sophomore year of high school that I recognized what it was I wanted to do with my life. I had contributed minimal effort in my high school career thus far, and I was too preoccupied with swimming for the school and spending time with friends. I had originally wanted to be a United States Navy pilot. I knew that in my current situation I was wasting my potential. I believe my GPA at the time reflected someone who wasn't giving their all. I was also aware that the position Naval Aviator was one that carried a high level of prestige. As accomplished Naval Officers, they represent a certain level of excellence that I was now determined to meet.[/size]
[size=0pt]      The following year I withdrew from public high school so that I could attend a homeschooling program that would allow me to dual enroll at the local college and pursue both a high school diploma and an associates degree. Two years later I accomplished both only a semester apart. I also continued to swim for the local high school I was zoned to attend, and achieved the position of team captain. It was in this position that I refined my skills as a leader with responsibilities such as managing the team schedule, organizing team fundraising events, and mentoring junior swimmers. This experience allowed me to start to see myself as a leader, enjoying a sense of accomplishment watching those that I had mentored succeed both in the pool and beyond.[/size]
[size=0pt]      Unfortunately, shortly after my junior year of high school I was faced with two realities. First, being most prominent, was my poor eyesight would likely disqualify me from ever flying for the Navy. Second, if I was going to go forward to a university to complete my baccalaureate degree, I wasn't going to be able to do it without taking on student loan debt. Although heartbroken, I kept my resolve. I knew I wanted to lead, to be a mentor, and seen as a role model. My resolve and determination led me to attend and ultimately be thus far successful in the Navy's Nuclear Power Program. Where my examples of leadership were expanded to include the Nuclear Officers of NNPTC.[/size]
[size=0pt]      Here at NNPTC, working hard alongside my fellow classmates, I determined that the best way to achieve my goals of being a leader that inspires his fellow shipmates to perform at the best of their ability was to apply to the STA-21 program. If selected, I will continue to work hard and set high goals. I will face the challenges to come with Honor, Courage, and Commitment. [/size]