What's the point of living?

[Carolina Jethro]

Argus Hamilton

What's the point of living?

HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how's everybody? Wal-Mart had a customer arrested Monday who gave the checker a million-dollar bill and insisted on her change. It made national news. Without a doubt it's the dumbest criminal act since Martha Stewart lied to cover up a crime she didn't commit.


Martha Stewart learned Monday she will have to work in prison for 11 cents an hour. Talk about demoralizing. If a CEO's job can be outsourced to prison labor for 11 cents an hour Republicans have to wonder, what's the point of living?

Rand Corporation warned Tuesday that obesity is about to become the leading cause of preventable death, even ahead of tobacco. Who's fault is that? If the health police hadn't have made them quit smoking they wouldn't have gained all that weight.

California lawmakers proposed a state constitutional amendment Monday to give 14-year-olds the vote in state elections. You can't fault the logic. If they're old enough to testify against Michael Jackson they're old enough to vote.

Michael Jackson learned Tuesday that a warehouse full of his memorabilia was liquidated because he was delinquent in paying the storage fees. He insists to every television interviewer that he's not a pedophile. He's the King of Pedophiles. John Henry Williams died Saturday and had his body frozen next to his father Ted Williams in Scottsdale. Red Sox fans smell a rat. It's rumored that George Steinbrenner agreed to pay the storage bill if Ted Williams's DNA would sign with the Yankees.

John McCain held hearings Wednesday on steroids in baseball. Seems everybody is taking them. President Bush gained 20 pounds, it's all in his shoulders, and he blows cities a hundred feet higher than he did when he was a rookie president.

CIA Director George Tenet appeared before the Senate to explain his pre-war report saying Iraq was a nuclear threat. Teddy Kennedy was waiting for him. The director prepared for his testimony by reviewing his Chappaquiddick scrapbook album.

Defense Intelligence Agency chief Lowell Jacoby was fingered in the U.S. Senate Tuesday for giving Dick Cheney wildly inaccurate reports about Iraq's arsenal of weapons. The DIA was originally founded by Robert McNamara to keep the U.S. in Vietnam. It's touching that after 40 years they remain true to their mission statement.

President Bush dropped his demand Tuesday to limit his testimony to one hour before the September 11th Commission. He agreed to answer all their questions. However, he insisted that they award him $1 million if he gets them all right.

John Kerry refused Tuesday to discuss the Yale Skull and Bones Society which also includes President Bush. It bothers some voters that both candidates belong to the most secret organization in the world. It's called the United States government.

John Kerry ripped the administration's handling of the economy and foreign policy at a town hall meeting in Florida Monday. Everyone in the audience had the same question for John Kerry that every bartender asks him. Why the long face?

Hillary Clinton said Tuesday she is giving Martha Stewart's donation for her Senate campaign to charity. She's walking away from a chief executive who lied to federal authorities. This proves that it's never too late to turn over a new leaf.


Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

[HydroDave63]

John Kerry ripped the administration's handling of the economy and foreign policy at a town hall meeting in Florida Monday. Everyone in the audience had the same question for John Kerry that every bartender asks him. Why the long face?

Let's see..he has an $80 haircut, speaks French, and has a habit of marrying rich women...

The American Gigolo? 

[Roll Tide]

MORE Argus Hamilton fans?


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com California Institute of Technology astronomers said Monday they discovered a new mini-planet and named it Sedna. They said it's the coldest and most distant object in the solar system. That's two titles Martha Stewart has lost just this week.

Bill Clinton had reporters in his office Monday to attribute his weight loss to the South Beach Diet. He said he's been working out four times a week with a German trainer. He really misses Hillary's voice when she's in Washington all week.

Washington D.C. is bracing for an infestation of cicadas. These red-eyed bugs come out of the ground every seventeen years to make a huge racket, mate, lay eggs and die. It's nature's way of showing the baby boomers they didn't invent the Disco Era.

NBC News aired Richard Nixon's White House tapes Monday which revealed he was nervous about John Kerry's anti-Vietnam War speeches. President Nixon called John Kerry a phony. Only Al Gore's endorsement of Howard Dean was ever more helpful.

John Kerry vowed Monday that when he's president he will crack down on companies that send jobs to India. Never forget what India does for us. The new edition of the Kama Sutra illustrates the number of positions John Kerry has taken on Iraq. 

[Roll Tide]

Argus Hamilton:


Coaching legends Tom Osborne and Dean Smith endorsed a petition banning beer commercials in college sports. It's a losing battle. Albert Einstein decided to split the atom because he couldn't think of a way to separate his students from beer.

Martha Stewart resigned from her company's board Friday after her conviction for lying to the Justice Department. Her friends couldn't believe how the government turned every aspect of her life inside out. Up until now, most of the Democratic donors in the Hamptons thought colonoscopy was the Secretary of State or something.

John Kerry did not march in a St. Patrick's Day parade on Wednesday. He found out last summer he's not really Irish. A genealogical chart done by the Boston Globe shows he's the direct descendant of Ted Baxter from the Mary Tyler Moore Show.

John Kerry spoke to a veterans group meeting in West Virginia on Tuesday. It was very emotional. John Kerry comforted one veteran whose cracked ribs force him to change positions every three hours, or maybe he just identified with the guy.