Rodney Dangerfield's Best One-Liners

[Rennhack]

•      I was so poor growing up... If I wasn't born a boy... I'd have nothing to play with.

•      A girl phoned me the other day and said... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
•      During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
•      One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

•      It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

•      I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

•      I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

•      I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

•      I'm so ugly. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

•      When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through.

•      I'm so ugly, my mother had morning sickness after I was born.

•      I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

•      Once when I was lost I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid, there are so many places they can hide."

•      My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

•      I'm so ugly I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

•      I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

•      I went to the doctor because I'd accidentally swallowed a whole bottle of sleeping pills. My, doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

[Mike McFarlin]

No respect at all.