plain old jokes

[SloGlo]

A lady's picking through the frozen turkeys and says to a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
He says, "No, ma'am, they're dead."

[uRiaL]

TO TELL THE WEATHER,GO TO YOUR BACK DOOR AND LOOK FOR THE DOG.
IF THE DOG IS AT THE DOOR AND HE IS WET,IT'S PROBABLY RAINING.
BUT IF THE DOG IS STANDING THERE REALLY SOAKING WET,IT'S PROBABLY RAINING HARD.
IF THE DOGS FUR LOOKS AS IF ITS BEEN RUBBED THE WRONG WAY,ITS PROBABLY WINDY.
IF THE DOG HAS SNOW ON ITS BACK ,IT PROBABLY SNOWING.
OF COURSE TO BE ABLE TO TELL THE WEATHER LIKE THIS,YOU HAVE TO LEAVE THE DOG OUTSIDE ALLTHE TIME,ESPECIALLY IF YOU EXPECT BAD WEATHER.
      
 SINCERELY,
    THE CAT (cat) (cat)

[uRiaL]

:)Three ministers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas, " he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole." [smiley=bowl.gif]

[SloGlo]

Subject: Peter, Paul, and Louie



A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles..

 Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for 10 dollars each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

 Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

 The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly.. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the reverend decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars  stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday, which they did.

  
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

 Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the 200 dollars I collected on behalf of the church."

 "Fine job, Peter!" The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

 Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?"

 Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "Reverend, am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's 280 dollars I collected."

 The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

 Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, "An Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"

 Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents.. "What is this?" the reverend exclaimed. "Louie there's 3200 dollars in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?

 Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

 "Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to do accomplish this, Louie."

 Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
  Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!" "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and > r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"

[SloGlo]

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

[SloGlo]

> An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
> and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He
bent
> over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up
> again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful
> princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the
frog
> out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
>
> The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
> princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the
> engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
> pocket.
>
> Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
> beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything
> you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
>
> The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
> girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[SloGlo]

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor
 said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

 "Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a
 fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment.

 The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

[uRiaL]

A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: "Purebred Police Dog $25."


Thinking that to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.

The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.

In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, "How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?"

"Don't let his looks deceive you, ma'am," the man replied, "He's in the Secret Service."

[Rain Man]

The Pope decides he needs a vacation and opts for sunny south Florida.  As he rides up and down the beaches of Ft. Lauderdale in the "Pope Mobile" he suddenly hears horrible cries for help coming from the surf..... a man in a Cleveland Browns jersey is being attacked by a 25' shark.  As the man attempts to fend off his attacker the Pope says: " Someone needs to help that poor man."  Just about then a boat shows up with 3 men in Steelers jerseys.  The first man harpoons the shark while the other two snatch the Browns fan from almost certain death.  The Pope says: "That has to be one of the greatest acts of compassion I have ever seen.  I must bless these wonderful Steelers fans."  He gets to edge of the water just as the boat arrives.  The men in the Steelers jerseys get out and help the man in the Browns jersey out.  The Pope tells them:  "I understand that there has always been a bitter rivalry between the Steelers and the Browns but your actions to save this man shows that rivalries can be set aside.  For this I give you my blessing."  His papal duties completed, the Pontiff leaves to enjoy the rest of his time off.  The first man in a Steelers shirt says: "Who the heck was that?"  The second man says: "That was the Pope.  He knows all there is to know about the Catholic Church."  The third man says:  "He may know about the Catholic Church but he don't know diddley about shark fishing....now do you think that bait is OK or should we get another one??"

[SloGlo]

Why men lie




One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to me. Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others!

[uRiaL]

[Two blondes are walking down a road...  

Two blondes are walking down a road, one has a large sports bag.
1st blonde: "What have you got in that bag?"

2nd blonde: "Chickens."

1st blonde: "If I can guess how many chickens you've got in that bag, can I have one of them?"

2nd blonde: "If you can guess how many chickens I've got in this bag, you can have BOTH of them!!"

1st blonde: Well, I think you've got three."
 
smiley=king.gif] [smiley=king.gif]

[uRiaL]

  Lion, Tiger, Lawyer, Elevator  

Q: You are stuck in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he''s dead
 

[uRiaL]

 
  
 
  

How Annoy Your Roommate  

1. Blast the Phantom of the Opera at midnight and SING along with it at the top of your lungs.
2. Smile at the walls constantly and talk and laugh with them.

3. When he/she says, "Is it hot out?" Look puzzled and put on your winter jacket. (ev)

4. Pick up the phone even when it is not ringing.

5. Stare at the mirror and start laughing at it. Hey, laugh really hard ok?  [smiley=huepfenjump1.gif]

6.Talk to the goldfish about fat cats lurking around. Then laugh aloud, happy that you have scared it.

7. Pretend to be angry and bang the table hard AND loud. Later apologise for the hurt and grief caused to the table. Be sincere and write a letter of apology to the table.

8. Ask him/her the time constantly. Every 5 minutes. All night too.  (0)

9. Roll around the room and behave like a cat. Lick yourself and scratch the floor. Play with a ball of yarn and eat only fish. Meow loudly at him/her when he/she talks to you.  (cat)

10. Buy underpants for him/her and say, "Now we can share!"
 
                                                      

[uRiaL]

(afro)
Jesus and Satan are having a conversation...  

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.
Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"

    God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
 

 

[SloGlo]

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the mailman usually get bucked off!"

[SloGlo]

Things you will never hear in the South
Oh I just couldn't. She's only sixteen.
I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
Duct tape won't fix that.
Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought GraceLand was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
Wrestling's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my gut is too big?
I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, we don't need another dog.
Who's Richard Petty?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
I've got it all on the C:\ drive.
Unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
Checkmate!
She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college team.
Be sure to put my salad dressing on the side.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight.

[SloGlo]

Einstein dies and goes to heaven.  He is walking around and meets a man and asks him what his IQ is?  The man replies 168.  Einstein says "we will have to get together later and discuss the theory of relativity." The man replies "OK".

Einstein starts walking again and comes across another man and asks him what his IQ is.  The man replies 153.  Einstein says to him "we will have to get together later and discuss the laws of physics."  The man replies "Great."

Einstein is again walking along and bumps into another guy and asks him the same question, "what is your IQ?"  The man replies 27. Einstein says "Hey, how about them BROWNS!"

[HousePuke]

Two guys are talking.
The first one asks the other "so how's your sex life?"
The second one replies "I'm having Social Security Sex."
"Social Security Sex?  What's that?"
"You know, you get a little each month, just not enough to live on."

[SloGlo]

Paul McCartney goes Christmas shopping, and decides to buy Heather a new false leg. He buys the best one money can buy, and hides it behind his wardrobe at home. A few days later, Heather is hopping about doing the vacuuming, when she finds aforementioned leg, and calls the scouse wanker upstairs. She says, "It's very nice Paul, but since you're worth £500 million, I hope it's not my main Pressie?" Macca looks at her and says, "of course not my love, it's just a stocking filler"

[moodusjack]

Jazz hosts a party, the theme being dress up as a "mood".  Biff shows up in a pink too-too, he's tickled "pink"  Buffy wears green saran, she's green with envy.  Jack shows up nearly naked.  He has a pie stapped across his crotch and makes a crude humping motion while saying, "I'm so mad I'm f'n dis custard."

[SloGlo]

A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day she calls home and a strange woman answers.

Wife: Who is this?

Maid: This is the maid.

Wife: We don't have a maid.

Maid: I was hired this morning by the man of the house.

Wife: Well, this is his wife. Is he there?

MAID: He's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I assumed was his wife.

The wife is fuming. She says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?

MAID: Of course! What will I have to do?

WIFE: I want you to take my gun from the desk and shoot him and the woman he's with. The maid puts the phone down. The wife hears footsteps, then gunshots, then more footsteps.

MAID: What do I do with the bodies?

WIFE: Just drag them out and throw them in the swimming pool.

MAID: There's no pool here.

A long pause.




WIFE: Is this 832-4821?

[Roll Tide]

Jonah, the whale, and the Teacher
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.  The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. 
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. 
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." 
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah didn't go to heaven?" 
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."   

[Atomic Frog]

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, retires their old CEO and hires a new one.

This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[SloGlo]

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of
indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-__expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

[SloGlo]

a man entered a pun contest.
he submitted ten puns in the hope that one would win.
unfortunately, no pun in ten did.