navy marriage life what to expect

[texasdalton]

i am leaving in a few weeks for great lakes, and am currently engaged. i am curious what type of lifestyle i will have in the navy being married. how long should i expect to be deployed and away from my wife? also how long till i get to live with my wife after boot camp? and how often do i have time off to spend with my future wife? also do i get weekends off while in power school. im looking forward to enrolling in to the power program and really dont wish to give that up for marriage but also refuse to give up my marriage. i would really appreciate some feedback. thank you

[retired nuke]

Here are some threads already discussing this subject. See if any of it applies.

http://www.nukeworker.com/forum/index.php?topic=10989.0;all
http://www.nukeworker.com/forum/index.php?topic=6482.0


Thank you for your service, good luck

[LuckyKid]

GET MARRIED NOW.

Ahem. That's just my opinion, but you will save yourself stress and also secure financial security for your fiance/wife if you do so while you are gone. They will provide her rent while you're away, and after your first month (when most of your paycheck will go to your seabag issue), the last month she will be able to get any of your affairs in order before the big move, when you'll leave after boot camp to get her and move into Navy housing.

But avoid housing, if you can. You'd rather get an apartment and stash your extra BAH. And the houses are crap; my bathtub grows mold from the foundation all the way up through the grout in the tiles.

Either way, she will be here with you when you are finished with boot camp, and you won't be planning a wedding over the phone and in letters while working 8-15 hour days.

Just my two cents.

[Already Gone]

That is about what that advice is worth.

First, there is no such thing as "extra BAH".  You'll spend every penny of it - especially if you want a decent place to live.

As a junior enlisted person, you won't make much money.  As a nuke, you won't have time to spend with her until your entire first enlistment is over.

I'm going to say that again - as a nuke, you will not have time for a wife until you get to shore duty.  Shore duty doesn't happen during the first enlistment.

Everything in that last post was short-sighted and for the wrong reason.

Marriage is about a LIFETIME together.  It is not about having her with you when you finish boot camp.  It is not about the extra allowances that married sailors get.  It isn't about money or convenience at all.  If you marry for those reasons, expect it to fail.

If the two of you cannot stand to be geographically separated, she can get a job near your duty station, get her own apartment (which will be HERS and not yours) and the two of you can continue your engagement until you are actually ready for marriage.  "Financial security" and being a first-term enlisted person do not even belong in the same sentence.  The best security you can give her is your mature, thoughtful, and dedicated commitment to her happiness.  This does not come from your measly Petty Officer Third Class paycheck.  It comes from wise, and sometimes very difficult and painful, decision-making.

Neither of you has any idea (and neither does LuckyKid) of what you are about to get yourself into.  It is a good start on life.  It is a foundation for immense future growth in or out of the Navy.  It is NOT a time to be starting a marriage.  A person who is already in an established marriage - emotionally, financially, and otherwise - can start the nuke pipeline and come out still married.  A person who is in the pipeline won't have time to be married.  If you think that having a spouse in an apartment near the base, whom you will see almost not at all, is the way to build a relationship, you aren't going to make it.  You need to spend time with each other - lots of time over the course of a few years.  A newbie nuke can not do that.

Friend, you need to wait until you have spent at least two years on sea duty before you have the right to ask that woman to be your wife.  You may be "engaged" at this moment, but the person who put that ring on her finger is not the same person who is going to be you in a couple of months.

If you love each other - wait until you can do right by her.  You want to be married.  I understand.  Marriage is for adults.  You are an adult - so do the adult thing.  Resist the urge to marry for all these wrong and trivial reasons.  Do it when you are CERTAIN that your job won't destroy it - and not a moment sooner.

Good luck to you and your intended.  A few years is nothing compared to a lifetime of happiness.  It is not such a great sacrifice when you consider the reward.  You will not regret waiting - the opportunity will still be there before you as long as you still want it.  But you will regret rushing and wasting the opportunity.

[dinutt]

 OK not much more to be said that can top  that Beercourt !! best of luck to you both!!!
Di

[LuckyKid]

... A person who is in the pipeline won't have time to be married.  ... A newbie nuke can not do that. ...

I did. My marraige is fine.

I agree that my post comes across as an immediate gratification instruction, I simply mean to say that if one has chosen to get married for all the right reasons, but wants to time it, it makes more sense (if it's going to happen anyway) to do it before boot camp instead of after.

That is all.

[Already Gone]

There is a huge difference between you being married and a male sailor.  You don't have a wife.

Your husband is not going to have the same problems that a Navy wife will have.  Unfortunately, we don't condition all women to be independent - most of them are not like you.  Most young Navy wives are like most young wives in general.  They expect some together time and some support from their husbands.  Your classmates who are married are not very good husbands at the moment because they can't be.

It is just plain cruel to drag a young woman hundreds or thousands of miles away from her family, friends, home, job, and life just to abandon her in a strange town.  "Having her there" is really about being selfish, isn't it?  What about being there for her?  Can't happen.

Yes, he will feel some of the loneliness that these women feel, but he is not likely to have the coping problems that a young woman would.  He will be perfectly alright when the car or the furnace break down.  He'll feel safe out there in the world without you.  He won't feel helpless when the landlord wants to give him crap about the rent or when some creepy guy moves in across the hall.

If there is EVER ANY QUESTION as to when to get married, the only correct answer to give a sailor it to wait.  Wait until you have been on a ship for at least a year.  It is one thing to commit your life to something unknown, but it is just wrong to commit a wife to live under those conditions without any idea of what it is like.

It makes more sense to wait - period.

[Preciousblue1965]

I can attest to this first hand.  My first marriage was right smack in the middle of predeployment workups on a carrier.  We got married, I moved her back to Cali with me, went underway the next week for 4 days, back for the weekend, underway for 6 weeks.  I come back and she has drained down my bank account, bounced several checks including car insurance, among other things.  She wasn't ready for all that responsibility of me being gone and I wasn't ready to let her be in charge of everything.  Not to mention she went from a small town in West Texas to San Diego, so there was a bit of a culture shock there.  Long story short, after financial nightmare, almost getting evicted because of a party she threw while I was underway, a "timeout" weekend, a completely wrecked vehicle with no insurance(check bounced), and a DNA test, I was officially divorced 2 years later(although she wanted the divorce, via email, 3 days into a 7 month deployment). 

Sea life and being a nuke is just way too hard to attempt to pull it off and build the foundation of a good marriage.  Seen WAY TOO MANY students get married only to see them split before completing the pipeline.  Best advice is like BeerCourt said,  make it a LOOOOOOONNNNNNNNGGGGGG engagement.  Get all your ducks in a row before you say "I Do" and you should be fine.  But, you could always do like me and say "but we love each other and want to get married now so we can live together."  and you can see how that turned out.

[JustinHEMI05]

im looking forward to enrolling in to the power program and really dont wish to give that up for marriage but also refuse to give up my marriage.

Here is the key sentence that answers your own questions. You are not ready to be a navy nuke sailor together with being a husband. The "I refuse" attitude is going to be trouble for you because you will be spending many hours at school and many months at sea "giving up your marriage". You won't be refusing to do any of it. Hopefully your bride to be is strong enough for it, although you are obviously concerned about something. But I do wish you luck with your wife and career, although I suspect we are talking to the wind here.

Justin

PS As far as weekends off in the pipeline, that is purely a function of your attitude, ability and discipline. Hopefully you will have weekends off, but the average nuke student has to spend some time studying on at least one day on the weekend.

[Marlin]

I can attest to this first hand.  My first marriage was right smack in the middle of predeployment workups on a carrier.  We got married, I moved her back to Cali with me, went underway the next week for 4 days, back for the weekend, underway for 6 weeks.  I come back and she has drained down my bank account, bounced several checks including car insurance, among other things.  She wasn't ready for all that responsibility of me being gone and I wasn't ready to let her be in charge of everything.  Not to mention she went from a small town in West Texas to San Diego, so there was a bit of a culture shock there.  Long story short, after financial nightmare, almost getting evicted because of a party she threw while I was underway, a "timeout" weekend, a completely wrecked vehicle with no insurance(check bounced), and a DNA test, I was officially divorced 2 years later(although she wanted the divorce, via email, 3 days into a 7 month deployment). 

Sea life and being a nuke is just way too hard to attempt to pull it off and build the foundation of a good marriage.  Seen WAY TOO MANY students get married only to see them split before completing the pipeline.  Best advice is like BeerCourt said,  make it a LOOOOOOONNNNNNNNGGGGGG engagement.  Get all your ducks in a row before you say "I Do" and you should be fine.  But, you could always do like me and say "but we love each other and want to get married now so we can live together."  and you can see how that turned out.

   texasdalton, this is not a uncommon story I have heard this same story from many shipmates and ex-Navy nukes. I have been a member of the United States Submarine Veterans for about ten years and have heard this from nukes who were in the pipeline from the sixties and those recently separated. BC has given some wise counsel to be considered. There are some marriages that survive Nuke school and twenty year careers but they seem to be couples that had their heads on straight from the beginning. Not to besmirch you or anyone else in their early twenties but looking back not many of us had it all together as much as we thought.

   Whatever you do, good luck, and thank you for your service.

Marlin

[LuckyKid]

Hmm.

Common sense leads me to add to my advice:

Don't marry someone who's financially retarded or likes to throw parties that involve the cops.

But I still maintain: I showed up married and am still, and I am not the only one (men with wives made it, too.)

You will make new friends, as will she.

The only divorces I've seen are the nukecest ones I saw made here first.

[JustinHEMI05]

nukecest

ROFLMAO (that should be in the nuke dictionary) I agree, pipeline marriages don't every work out well. Still though, all of our experience (many decades) compared to your year or so says that young marriages just before enlisting and starting the pipeline on average, do not last. Good for you that yours did. But the statistics are the statistics and your success does nothing to change them.

Justin

[Marlin]

The only divorces I've seen are the nukecest ones I saw made here first.

HMM... since I probably got out of the Navy before you were born, and long before the right honorable Mr Rennhack even entered the business much less established this fine portal of nuclear community communication, I think I would caution you to listen to the wealth of information that graces this website. The site abounds with curmugeons and salty old nukes. I would take much of it with a grain of salt (pun intended) but the likes of Broadzilla, Beercourt, and many others have issued many gems of wisdom to young and uninitiated nubs and nublettes who are willing to consider and search these pages making up their own minds after sifting through tripe. Being in the pipeline at this time gives a good perspective of current conditions but on this issue I would urge a little caution.

Thanx for posting here but more importantly Thanks for your Service. 

[Fermi2]

Nukecest LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that is excellent!

Do NOT get married in the pipeline. I've seen literally hundreds of these trainwrecks happen and DO NOT go by the exceptions, follow the rule. I bet virtually every one of the divorces started out with the best of intentions, after all no one starts a marriage believing it will end up in divorce. The needs and responsibilities on a husband left alone are quite different than those of a young and probably scared wife. Also keep in mind that when a man is left behind there are VERY few who are likely to attempt to take advantage of him based on his appearance and age but when it's a young lady the vultures abound. Mrs BZ and I have been married 20 years now and every now and then you'll still see someone like a salesman or a store manager who tries to talk her into something dumb or refuses to honor a warranty and Big Thunder will have to get involved.
I'm trying to put this in HER interests and not go down the road of all the times I've seen a lonely young girl either turn into a party animal of a adulterbeast when she otherwise would not.

NEVER ever let ANYONE try to give you reasons like BAH as a financial incentive to get married.
BAH is for YOU not her and look upon it as a bonus. Never count on any income outside of what the Navy gives you for your service. What happens when your lifestyle gets used to that income and an On base house opens up? Or for some reason they cut BAH? It has happened.

To say you refuse to sacrifice your marriage while in the pipeline is ludicrous as that decision is NOT up to you. It's up to the USN. Her quality time and needs are not their concern. That might seem cruel but it's the fact of military life and triply so when you're in a technically complex and demanding program.

When I left Fermi for Sequoyah my wife and kids and I had a long talk because I wanted them to realise that starting SRO training again would be a huge time commitment and some things would change because of it. And this is for people who'd already BEEN THROUGH LICENSE CLASS WITH ME TWICE. Now they knew the sacrifice, a young lady can't even begin to comprehend it and we didn't have to worry about items like deployment.

My advice, be patient and get married later. You'll find your marriage stronger for it.

Mike

[Gamecock]

NEVER ever let ANYONE try to give you reasons like BAH as a financial incentive to get married.
BAH is for YOU not her and look upon it as a bonus. Never count on any income outside of what the Navy gives you for your service. What happens when your lifestyle gets used to that income and an On base house opens up? Or for some reason they cut BAH? It has happened.

Not disagreeing with anything you have said except this.....

There is a stipulation these days called BAH protection.  In short, if BAH gets cut in the area you live in, your BAH will remain at the original higher rate.

Cheers,
GC

[Fermi2]

And it's the US military that can be erased at the stroke of a pen. Don't trust the US Military to do right by you unless it happens to be the right thing for them.

Mike

[Preciousblue1965]

Nukecest LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that is excellent!

...and Big Thunder will have to get involved....


Mike

Between those two statements, I don't know which one is funnier. 

LuckyKid, Please add "nukecest" to the Navy Nuke Terms.  It DEFINITELY deserves to be there.

[dinutt]

  Texasdalton you sure  got alot of feedback and it appears after I read your topic again that you will have to make some sacrifices during your marriage and during your time in the navy.so not wanting to give up on either you will have to make changes within your new married life and navy.what they are now are all up to you and your new bride to be either make it or break it, it appears the odds seem not to be in your favor about getting married before you leave but you may loose on both ends if you don't, so what does a man do? Sit down and write the pros and cons for all this together and see what comes out of it  You never know if you are both really  thinking the same way after all. It cant hurt !!just some small advice and hope it all works out for you both and thank you for your service and be happy !!!! karma at ya !

[Preciousblue1965]

Don't know if this will play into your thought process or not, but it might.  As far as I know, the general rule at the Charleston base is that if you want to get married on base(which I recommend because it is infinitely cheaper to do) you MUST attend a marriage counseling session prior to getting married.  This applies to everyone, even sea returnee instructors.  I highly recommend doing it, whether you plan on getting married before or after you go to boot.  At the very least, it makes you think of questions you may not have thought of yet, that could be very important to a marriage.  Stuff like, how are we going to spend holidays, or are we going to divide up the house work like so, or are we going to spank our children or not.  Many a couple have jumped into marriage to only find out that they are worlds apart on things that did not rear its ugly head until they were living with each other day in and day out. 

But this is just one slightly younger than most on here's opinion.

[LuckyKid]

They still make you do counseling. You're supposed to fill out a special request chit in order to get married, and then I think in order for the chit to get approved they have you go to counseling.

I'm not 100% sure on that-it may be getting-married-on-base specific, as Blue said. I know some couples who have gotten married who didn't bother with the chit and there wasn't any repercussions. *shrug*

Counseling is still, at a bare minimum, highly recommended.

[Preciousblue1965]

marssim<-- no chit, no counseling, 30 years and counting,...

(not that there's anything wrong with that!!,...)

Congrats on the two additional years.  Me and the Mrs. are almost to 4 right now.  How she hasn't killed me is a freaking miracle(or maybe has to do with the fact that I work all the time and she just hasn't had the time to plan it yet). 

[MMM]

Blue, I'd guess it's more like you're not home enough to pull off the nefarious schemes. Being at work all the time should give plenty of time to plan your demise.  Or she might just not see enough of you to want to make any evil plots. I think that's how I'm still alive after 7 years.

[Hawpec10]

Im thinking about joining the navy been married over a year just need know how the life is as a married sailor n would my wife be able to live with me just need to know i want to do aviation mechanic just need to be filled in on some stuff hoe long till she can live with me if she even can