A Few Thoughts

[halflifer]

Some new definitions:
1.   Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2.   Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have
gained.
3.   Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 
4.   Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5.   Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6.   Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
      absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7.   Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8.   Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9.   Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you
      are run over by a steamroller.
10.  Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11.  Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12.  Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
      proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
      expressions.
14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die your Soul
     goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts

       

[UncaBuffalo]

When I die, I'd like to go peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather....






...NOT SCREAMING LIKE THE PASSENGERS IN HIS CAR!

[JessJen]

"Some people are like Slinkies -- not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs."

[UncaBuffalo]

So you say you don't like children?





How could anyone not like kids?





You're probably just not cooking them right....

[UncaBuffalo]

Before you criticize a man, you need to walk a mile in his shoes...








...that way, if he doesn't like the criticism, you have a mile head-start and he's trying to chase you barefooted.

[Surveyors_mato]

Knock-Knock



Who's There?




Control Freak...okay, now YOU say "Control Freak Who?"

Control freak Who?

[RDTroja]

I love deadlines.

I especially like the 'whoosh' they make when they fly by.


Must sound sort of like the noise that joke made going over Surveyors_mato's head.

Control freak Who?

[UncaBuffalo]

4/3 of all people surveyed had trouble with fractions.

[UncaBuffalo]

There are 3 kinds of people...


...those who can do math...and those who can't...

[Motown homey]

"When I rented this apartment, they told me it was okay to have a pet. 







                                                                                                    I have a pony."

Steven Wright

[radbitch]

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

[UncaBuffalo]

I read that petting a dog will lower your blood pressure...



...I wonder if that works with cats, too...



...of course, you hardly ever see a cat petting a dog... 

[UncaBuffalo]

On the other hand...





...you have different fingers.

[UncaBuffalo]

I just saw an article about a butcher that had backed into his meat grinder...







                         ...he got a little behind in his work...

[HydroDave63]

I just saw an article about a butcher that had backed into his meat grinder...


                         ...he got a little behind in his work...

Was that packaged as "butt roast"? 

[SloGlo]

yinz ebber wonder iffen dat one dollar bill in yer pocket ever bin in a strippers butt?

[RDTroja]

yinz ebber wonder iffen dat one dollar bill in yer pocket ever bin in a strippers butt?

you ain't right,....

If you just figured that out, then you ain't right, either.

[SloGlo]

If you just figured that out, then you ain't right, either.

sinsitralicism issa one derful condishun   

[UncaBuffalo]

When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams may come true.










      ...unless it's actually a meteorite hurtling towards Earth to destroy all life...











                  ...in which case, you are pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for...












                                         ...unless it's death-by-meteor.

[deltarho]

There are 3 kinds of people...


...those who can do math...and those who can't...

I've always heard that there are 10 types of people in the world.


Those that can read binary and....

[UncaBuffalo]

There are two rules for success:


1) Never tell everything you know.

[UncaBuffalo]

When you work here you can name your own salary.






                                                                                I named mine, "Fred".

[UncaBuffalo]

I planted some bird seed.






A bird came up.



Now I don't know what to feed it.